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• Ben W

  

  Member
   

  February 29, 2016

  However... this has given me a new idea to toy with

  However... this has given me a new idea to toy with

• The Long-Chapper

  

  Member
   

  February 29, 2016

  Well, look at it this way too, Ben. Xian has a bounty with him, Sorine. Would he risk her life and possibly forfeit his pay? All the more reason, IMO, to be tactful. 

  Well, look at it this way too, Ben. Xian has a bounty with him, Sorine. Would he risk her life and possibly forfeit his pay? All the more reason, IMO, to be tactful. 

• Ben W

  

  Member
   

  February 29, 2016

  That is very helpful, thank you. Another idea came to mind which I will begin either later tonight still or in the morning. And very true on the points you have made with Sorine; didn't think of that (obviously :P)

  That is very helpful, thank you. Another idea came to mind which I will begin either later tonight still or in the morning. And very true on the points you have made with Sorine; didn't think of that (obviously :P)

• Ben W

  

  Member
   

  March 3, 2016

  Made changes as per the suggestion of Lissette (thank you lore monger )  

  Made changes as per the suggestion of Lissette (thank you lore monger )  

• Sotek

  

  Member
   

  March 3, 2016

  I will get on this tonight.

  I will get on this tonight.

• Sotek

  

  Member
   

  March 3, 2016

  I would change this section slightly and end the chapter here. remember this is just my opinion.

  Old

  The black spider saw an opportunity in her eight eyes at her new prey laying on the ground. Arcing a leg in Xian’s direction he was forced to jump back and avoid any potential damage. He was panting lightly with a smile on his face from what I could see.

  “YUL… TOOL SHUL!!!”

  New

  The black spider saw an opportunity in her eight eyes at her new prey laying on the ground. Arcing a leg in Xian’s direction he was forced to jump back and avoid any potential damage. He was panting and he seemed desperate as the spider, Nimhe, closed in.

  End of chapter

  I would change this section slightly and end the chapter here. remember this is just my opinion.

  Old

  The black spider saw an opportunity in her eight eyes at her new prey laying on the ground. Arcing a leg in Xian’s direction he was forced to jump back and avoid any potential damage. He was panting lightly with a smile on his face from what I could see.

  “YUL… TOOL SHUL!!!”

  New

  The black spider saw an opportunity in her eight eyes at her new prey laying on the ground. Arcing a leg in Xian’s direction he was forced to jump back and avoid any potential damage. He was panting and he seemed desperate as the spider, Nimhe, closed in.

  End of chapter

• Matt Feeney the New Guy

  

  Member
   

  March 12, 2016

  It's really late here so I probably won't be able to respond to anything for a few hours. I'm especially curious to see what people who aren't already familiar with Charon think of it. The story delves into his philosophy but not his background.

  It's really late here so I probably won't be able to respond to anything for a few hours. I'm especially curious to see what people who aren't already familiar with Charon think of it. The story delves into his philosophy but not his background.

• Sotek

  

  Member
   

  March 12, 2016

  Iwill have a read but its early here. 09:00 going bed. i'll look at it tonight

  Iwill have a read but its early here. 09:00 going bed. i'll look at it tonight
• Sotek

  

  Member
   

  March 12, 2016

  Here's a suggestion for you. When you deal with someone's thoughts or whispers try using ‘Italics’.

  Here is an example.

  And Charon had come to take that jewel from the men that held the throne, men that ignored the bloody hands that crafted such luxuries and symbols of power. ‘If men cannot respect their history, they still must accept it’. Charon thought making his way up the steps towards the cathedral.

  Have a look at this section. It don’t quite read right.

  The eye on the side of the impact looked glazed over, Charon assumed he was blind in it. It was restrained hit on the part of the king’s brother.

  I only found a few minor errors and fixed them. Just a case of ‘your’s’ used incorrectly.

  I thoroughly   enjoyed reading this. Looking forwards to seeing it posted.

  Here's a suggestion for you. When you deal with someone's thoughts or whispers try using ‘Italics’.

  Here is an example.

  And Charon had come to take that jewel from the men that held the throne, men that ignored the bloody hands that crafted such luxuries and symbols of power. ‘If men cannot respect their history, they still must accept it’. Charon thought making his way up the steps towards the cathedral.

  Have a look at this section. It don’t quite read right.

  The eye on the side of the impact looked glazed over, Charon assumed he was blind in it. It was restrained hit on the part of the king’s brother.

  I only found a few minor errors and fixed them. Just a case of ‘your’s’ used incorrectly.

  I thoroughly   enjoyed reading this. Looking forwards to seeing it posted.

• Matt Feeney the New Guy

  

  Member
   

  March 12, 2016

  Thanks, Sotek. You were a great help.

  Thanks, Sotek. You were a great help.