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• Exuro

  

  Member
   

  February 5, 2016

  jeeze, I didn't need you life story

  jeeze, I didn't need you life story

• Sotek

  

  Member
   

  February 5, 2016

  My life story?

  Starting your life as an egg isn't what it's cracked up to be...

  My life story?

  Starting your life as an egg isn't what it's cracked up to be...

• Exuro

  

  Member
   

  February 5, 2016

  

  

• Lyall

  

  Member
   

  February 5, 2016

  Yep, thanks everyone/Lissette!

  Yep, thanks everyone/Lissette!

• Ben W

  

  Member
   

  February 6, 2016

  So I just finished my next chapter after saying I'd write it multiple times in the past two weeks (you can ask Sotek about how many times he and I spoke about that...) If you find anything that's vague, not descriptive enough or what have you, please do let me know 

  So I just finished my next chapter after saying I'd write it multiple times in the past two weeks (you can ask Sotek about how many times he and I spoke about that...) If you find anything that's vague, not descriptive enough or what have you, please do let me know 

• The Long-Chapper

  

  Member
   

  February 6, 2016

  Only a few minor things mechanically speaking. That Xian sure is a powerful guy. 

  Only a few minor things mechanically speaking. That Xian sure is a powerful guy. 

• Ben W

  

  Member
   

  February 6, 2016

  He has a right to boast right  

  If he's too powerful that's something I want to avoid and/or tone down

  He has a right to boast right  

  If he's too powerful that's something I want to avoid and/or tone down

• Sotek

  

  Member
   

  February 6, 2016

  Some of the wording gives Xian that ‘god like’ aspect. Have a quick look at this part as an example…

  At the mention of the Reachmen the driver visibly flinched. “R-right. Sorry.”

  “Just keep the horse moving and your eyes. I’ll keep you two from harm.”

  “You sure?” His voice was on the point of going shrill. The voice whinnied her own opinion, seemingly agreeing with its driver.

  Here's my amended version. It gives away some of Xian's power making him less 'god like'.

  At the mention of the Reachmen the driver visibly flinched. “R-right. Sorry.”

  “Just keep the horse and your eyes moving .”

  “You’re right” His voice was on the point of going shrill. The voice whinnied her own opinion, seemingly agreeing with its driver.

  Now you don't have Xian being in the power place of protector, thereby weakening him, in the eyes of the reader.  The actual benefit here is that it don't actualy affect him just the perception.

  Some of the wording gives Xian that ‘god like’ aspect. Have a quick look at this part as an example…

  At the mention of the Reachmen the driver visibly flinched. “R-right. Sorry.”

  “Just keep the horse moving and your eyes. I’ll keep you two from harm.”

  “You sure?” His voice was on the point of going shrill. The voice whinnied her own opinion, seemingly agreeing with its driver.

  Here's my amended version. It gives away some of Xian's power making him less 'god like'.

  At the mention of the Reachmen the driver visibly flinched. “R-right. Sorry.”

  “Just keep the horse and your eyes moving .”

  “You’re right” His voice was on the point of going shrill. The voice whinnied her own opinion, seemingly agreeing with its driver.

  Now you don't have Xian being in the power place of protector, thereby weakening him, in the eyes of the reader.  The actual benefit here is that it don't actualy affect him just the perception.

• Lyall

  

  Member
   

  February 7, 2016

  So, I got chapter 3! If anyone could take a look at it, much thanks!

  Or, should I say, 'much tanks'?

  

  So, I got chapter 3! If anyone could take a look at it, much thanks!

  Or, should I say, 'much tanks'?

  

• The Long-Chapper

  

  Member
   

  February 7, 2016

  Actually what contributes to the God like characteristic in my eyes isn't that, Sotek, it's the description of the carriage driver and his horse. This is a Nord carriage driver. Been doing this for years, probably before the Dragonborn even showed up? Now, all of the sudden he's scared of his shadow and his voice is shrill? That frankly doesn't make sense to me. Also, a horse would never, ever be comfortable around a driver who showed fear. The horse could have the jitters, but it's the driver's job to keep him/her calm even if he's scared to death. 

  Actually what contributes to the God like characteristic in my eyes isn't that, Sotek, it's the description of the carriage driver and his horse. This is a Nord carriage driver. Been doing this for years, probably before the Dragonborn even showed up? Now, all of the sudden he's scared of his shadow and his voice is shrill? That frankly doesn't make sense to me. Also, a horse would never, ever be comfortable around a driver who showed fear. The horse could have the jitters, but it's the driver's job to keep him/her calm even if he's scared to death.