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Blathering about my personal problems

    • 700 posts
    February 2, 2018 6:57 PM EST

    Everyone may have their own problems, but that doesn't make any individual's problem less valid. We all need an ear sometimes, or at least a blank canvas to scream on for a bit. These kinds of things are better when they're freed from the cell in your mind. And honestly, putting everything out in the open like this takes a hell of a lot of courage. Nevermind telling one person, let alone a community of people. Don't be so hard on yourself -- especially not towards your writing. It doesn't need meaning beyond whatever it means to you. Most of my writing came from the need to express things that I otherwise couldn't. Writing is a well for existential grief, and a wonderful one at that. You need only look at the popularity of your writing to understand that emotional authenticity is what draws people in. 

    I'm sorry you've had to endure everything you have, but you seem to have your head on straight about it all. You're clearly a smart and capable guy. The fact that you came through all that, can express it through story-telling that brings other people joy, and can work up the courage to talk about it publicly with us says a lot of great things about your character. It may be weird to thank you for sharing this, but I do want to for the fact that it's downright admirable, and a stark reminder that we're all more than just anonymous avatars with occasionally witty things to say. 

    • 215 posts
    February 2, 2018 8:32 PM EST


    I want to thank you for having the courage to share that with us.  That could not have been easy.  Of course, there is no way for me as an American to even come close to understanding Eastern philosophy and child rearing practices but I can say...that sucks.  I assume that parents are the same no matter the hemisphere and having gone through with my son recently what we did, I know there is nothing that I would not do for him to ease any pain or slight.  I'm sure what they did/do was done with the best interests at heart but sadly it doesn't always translate from the parent to the child. 

    At the end of the day...YOU and you alone know what is best for you.  You know in your heart and soul who and what your are.  I don't know what treatments may be available (testosterone supplements, the aforementioned gender transition, etc) but I'm sure you've done all the research into all of them based on your feelings and beliefs.  Stay strong, know there will likely always be tough days, but follow the path that you know is right for you.  Parents and family and friends will accept your choices if they are true.  And if not...then sometimes blazing that path alone is all the better and may make you all the stronger.  I highly suggest looking into support groups.  I know first hand that dealing with heavy crisis' is a horrible burden that can wear down the strongest person.  Don't be afraid to ask for help and in the end...follow your heart.  Thank you again for your courage to share with us. 

    • 694 posts
    February 2, 2018 10:20 PM EST

    Harrow, I wish I could write or express myself as eloquently as you can. It pains me to think about all you must have gone through as a kid, through school, and even still dealing with your parents. I'm simply in awe of your courage and strength. I can't imagine how hard it must have been to muster the courage, not only to write this, but to face it every day. I hope you give yourself all the credit you deserve. I know it's easy to be self-disparaging in our moments of greatest weakness, but I think you're so incredibly strong and brave. I can't imagine enduring what you've been through.

    As admin and owner here, I can't tell you how glad and relieved I am that you've been able to use this site as a resource to positively channel your feelings. I'm honored and deeply touched that you have an outlet here and that you can use it to use it creatively to help you in every day life. At least, I hope it does. Person to person, that is absolutely why I chose to take on the reins for this place. This site was here for me when I needed it most, and now I keep it running every day for the people who need it too. That it's played even a marginal role in your journey in wading through what must have been so hard and such an emotionally draining path... well, like I said, I'm very touched. 

    I know we haven't interacted all that much, but if you ever just need or want a person or outlet to vent to, my inbox is always, always, always open. I know that sounds like a thing that people say, but I hope you know that I truly and sincerely mean it. I hope you take good care of yourself, and that after processing things for a month and being back stateside you can get back to some semblence of feeling comfortable again. At my core, I'm an introvert too. To me that meaningful relationships aren't measured by quantity, but by quality of interactions and ability to feel a connection with someone. So please don't think you're ever a failure on that score either. You seem to have a very strong sense of self, and I very much admire that about you. Don't lose sight of it. I thonk it's the most valuable thing any of us have. :)

    Thanks so much again for your bravery and posting this. It means a lot to me.

    • 1595 posts
    February 3, 2018 4:48 AM EST

    Outside of your short stories and poems I know we haven't spoken much, Harrow, but both are forms of expression that you excel at and that I cannot recommed as a means of coping highly enough, something I now know you may well understand better than I. You've already had my respect for your talent and courage through what you do in the odd words we have exchanged, so to now have that respect deepened by simply by getting to know a bit more about know who you are and your bravery in life is humbling. You have bonded with some great people here on this site such as The Lorc, and have here started bonding with yet more. I don't possess half the wisdom of those who have spoken above me whom I am honoured to count as my friends and can vouch for their compassion and attentive thoughtfulness personally, but please know that there is always a friendly ear in me only a message away should you ever want one. Don't ever stop being who you are.

    • 585 posts
    February 3, 2018 5:14 AM EST

    Wow mate, this was a rollercoaster. I can't express enough how impressed I am that you'd have the bravery to post this, I know it can't of been easy to do but you did it anyway. Truly impressive. The point 'Never stop being who you are' has already been said so there's not much more I can do than reiterate it. As someone who really struggled socially basically up until September I really believe in that statement, you'll find a group (like your Kendo lesson) to join or people that relate enough to you for you to fit right in. I wish I could give you the advice I gave myself in September that got me out of my rut, but it's quite unique to me in that I'm absurdly stubborn when I decide I'm gonna do something new. If you want to hear it though only say.

    • 321 posts
    February 3, 2018 6:20 AM EST

    I just developed a new found respect for you, Harrow.

    After hearing your story, I can't help but feel sorry for what you had to go through. (Also, I'm starting to regret making those teasing comments on your chapters.) I mostly see these sorts of problems depicted in fiction, but I guess even fiction stems from reality. Many of us have their own personal problems, but it takes great courage to share them. I'm glad that this community is filled with great and friendly people who would lend a helping hand to those in need whether it be builds, or lore, or even personal problems.

    I'm glad you took on writing to express yourself. And I'm really glad you wrote Roaring Thunder, Hissing Lightning. Your attention to detail even, the minor ones, is something that is only unique to you. It's like a writer's trademark.

    I know most of the guys here have said it, but I'm gonna say it anyways. Please continue being yourself. And if you have anymore problems, know that the folks of this community will always be there for you.

    • 44 posts
    February 3, 2018 6:40 AM EST

    We haven't talked yet, but what its worth I want you to know you're not alone in this and I want to support you.

    You have more bravery than I when it's coming to posting personal problems, but it's good to open up when feelings are bottling up - those feelings needs to get out at some point and it's imporant to have someone or a group like TV here, to listen and to comfort you when you have something to say.

    I haven't read your story yet, but I have it bookmarked to read. I will read it eventually. :)

    Keep being yourself and keep writing. I believe in you!


    I hope that didn't came out as stupid rambling.

    • 122 posts
    February 3, 2018 9:48 AM EST

    Growing up I was a weird, overweight, oversized boy with an extremely high voice. Out of worry over my size and temper, my parents heavily emphasized gentleness and quiet in my upbringing. Effectively, since I wasn’t able to get along with other children, I was to go sit and read somewhere until my father shook my shoulder and told me it was time to go sit in a different corner and read some more. If I was bullied, I was to ignore it. If I was physically assaulted, I was required to tell a teacher, who would promptly tell me that I should handle it myself because I was bigger than the other children...Only I was barred from doing so.

    It was a shock to exactly nobody other than my parents when I was diagnosed with clinical depression by the age of eight. Not many eight year olds write letters to their teachers explaining why they are bad and want to die.

    When I turned to writing, I inevitably created a character named Jinn (I was in fifth grade and thought it sounded cool okay?). Jinn was unliked by his peers, ignored by his family, and no matter how hard Jinn tried to fit in, he was pushed away. With no other means available, he became extremely self-sufficient. Strong and clever, he solved all of his problems on his own, and often the problems of those who were around him. When he failed there were serious consequences, and none of those he helped would ever be willing to help him with them.

    Doing the right thing was hard, lonely, and unrewarding, but the only alternative available was to do the WRONG thing. If he was going to be hated for how people saw him, the least he could do was make sure they we’re all wrong.

    I hear you, Shadow Under the Moons, and for what little it’s worth to anyone I’d like to give you my respect for finding a way through, even though it hasn’t be been easy. I may never be able to fully understand everything you’ve had to struggle with, because the lives we lead are very different, but I know enough to offer you my empathy.

    This post was edited by Mercurias at February 3, 2018 9:53 AM EST
    • 12 posts
    February 3, 2018 9:49 AM EST

    "I believe I am losing enough of your respect as it is by the time you have reached this point."


    How on earth could you do anything but earn all of my respect when you are braver than I could ever hope to be?


    I don't think I'ever read anything so brave, open and heart-wrenching (the secondary school part in particular, I cannot imagine how bad it must have been) in my entire life. The fact that you posted and shared this shows a strength very few people in this world have, I think. You've given me further perspective on my own life and no small dose of humility (something no one can get enough of, least of all me). Thank you.

    The whole thing with and view of masculinity is slowly but surely changing, in the West, North and hopefully the whole world. You're not any less a boy or a man because of your size, voice, strength, feminie traits or whatever it may be. I'll just echo previous replies that you come off as a great, strong, very intelligent and wise person, so just continue being you and the world will be so much richer for it. :)

    This post was edited by Simpa at February 3, 2018 9:51 AM EST
    • 295 posts
    February 3, 2018 10:13 AM EST

    Lost respect my fat altmer ass. There was never any respect to lose, Harrow. There is room for everyone. Big Albino old fat elves, Orc princesses, crazy Boston kingpins who love wine and good tunes, Argonian werewolves, Ordinators who are hopelessly in love, and Harrows. 

    What is irking me is that your parents are discussing this without your concent? Is there a way you can advocate for your rights as an individual? Can you tell them that this is something you don't want? 

    • 104 posts
    February 3, 2018 10:28 AM EST

    Hello there, we have not interacted on the Vault at all, but, who knows that may well change in the future, what you have written has taken courage, and as English is not your first language, you are to be congratulated on your grasp of it, your writing is comparable to Phil, who, as you may know, is one of the Vaults most fluent writers. 

    I am unable to offer you advice with reference to your personal problems, but I am able to offer a hand in friendship should you need someone to talk to.  I will, however, ask you to contemplate what Martha Washington once said, “The greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.” 

    • 62 posts
    February 3, 2018 12:09 PM EST

    Hey Harrow! I'm pretty new here, so we have yet to meet but I'm very moved by your words and glad you were able to share such a powerful story with us. I'm a big burly bearded guy but I'm also an aspie who was raised by all women so I tend to be unaware of body language (including my own) and act in ways that are considered traditionally pretty feminine. It's a weird dichotomy that can be off-putting to a lot of people, but the best I can tell you is: who gives a fuck about those people anyway?

    I'm glad you got out, because none of those people were worth your time or emotional well being (not the bullies OR the bystanders). Now that it's behind you I'm sorry to hear of your struggles, but at the of the day what they resulted in was an intelligent, introspective, interesting and overall awesome person, and there's going to be tons of people who appreciate who you are as a person and see past or don't have those stupid prejudices.

    Genderidentity is a sliding scale that has absolutely nothing to do with your physical appearance, so I think it's great that you are taking the time to explore yourself though art and writing and I hope it results in the confidence to embrace your individuality. Even if you ultimately realize that you are in fact a shy person who enjoys their alone time, you can still be confident in your decision to be private and reserved without the internal conflict and social pressure some of us feel with those choices.

    However, as someone with an emotionally abusive parent I have to say that not being able to speak up to your parents in the face of life changing surgery is probably behavioral conditioning that you should find a way to overcome. For me it was texting that helped because I could take all the time I needed in between messages to organize my thoughts, manage my anger/anxiety, formulate a cohesive response and, if necissary, delete any messages before reading them if I knew they would be a manipulation tactic that I was still vulnerable to at the time.

    You may have to be harsh and you may feel guilty about it for a while (especially if they actively do things to try to make you feel that way) but you need to be able to communicate with them and do what's best for yourself. If you can show them that their actions aren't having the effect they want (even if they are...hide it) then eventually the power dynamic will change and you'll be able to develop a new, more healthy relationship with them.

    Anyway, I don't really think you were brave or anything, but I don't think you should have to be. Lol. Who deemed you the hero of fucking Klinefelters, right? You're just a regular guy who deserves to be happy, and if removing yourself from a negative situation is what helped you do that then more power to you. Not that it's patronizing to be inspired by your story, all the comments above are from great, kind hearted people who legitimately meant what they said. But sometimes it's ok not to be brave, sometimes you just need to be happy. I hope you're finding that here, and if you're not then PM me and we'll be buds. I'm funny sometimes, I promise.

    • 41 posts
    February 3, 2018 3:13 PM EST
    Hi Harrow! We haven't interacted yet, but I thought I'll throw my own two cents. I wen through being bullied myself so I know it can be tough. None of us are just avatars with an occasional witty thing to say, moreover, I'm pretty sure most could tell a real story about perseverance and personal struggle. But I'm gonna say this, it takes real courage to speak about it so openly. Being a man is not about height, shoe size or muscle mass. At heart is where it is. Be they bullies, Klinefelter's, or even your own parents, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Take me for example. I used to practice karate. During competitions I've seen some women who were bigger and stronger than me. Does it they were men? No. Does it mean I am woman? Hell no!
    In other words, stay true to yourself, no matter what others try to impose on you.
  • February 3, 2018 4:48 PM EST

    Well, I certainly didn't expect to get so emotional this weekend. I can't think of anything to say or to add to the conversation other than 'thank you.'


    Thank you, Legion and Edana and Mercurias, for enlightening me on how my stories and the characters I create are outlets that I have no need to be ashamed of.

    Thank you, Paws and Cajun and Zonnonn, for reminding me to keep who I am as a person in mind, first and foremost.

    Thank you, Caladran and Tysoyaha and Cannon, for demonstrating that this site is full of kind souls willing to listen to my problems.

    Thank you, Bonelord and Simpa, for putting things in perspective. The world is far larger than myself, and it is my own disposition that truly matters.

    Finally, thank you, Kaiser and Lissette, simply for being here. You are two of the three or four people I interact with the most here, and I would not trade our discourses for anything. Don't feel guilty for teasing me; I've put up with enough insults to tell when they are malicious. Light-hearted little pokes are more comforting to me than even the most gentle soothing words, as Karver could tell you.



    And that's enough weeping and whimpering and whining and wallowing (you can tell I've already recovered enough from the fact that I'm alliterating, which requires a certain upbeat mental focus). I don't intend to devolve into yet another blogger whose only purpose on a gaming site is to blubber about life and how it's horrible and all that rot. Back to the standard schedule of sneaking and stabbing!



    • 321 posts
    February 3, 2018 9:21 PM EST

    A Shadow Under the Moons said:

    And that's enough weeping and whimpering and whining and wallowing (you can tell I've already recovered enough from the fact that I'm alliterating, which requires a certain upbeat mental focus). I don't intend to devolve into yet another blogger whose only purpose on a gaming site is to blubber about life and how it's horrible and all that rot. Back to the standard schedule of sneaking and stabbing!



    And we're back to having our chuuni ninja again. :D

    This post was edited by A-Pocky-Hah! at February 3, 2018 9:21 PM EST
  • February 4, 2018 12:49 AM EST

    A-Pocky-Hah! said:

    And we're back to having our chuuni ninja again. :D

    I do look a bit like Rikka, don't I? FEAR THE POWER OF MY JAOUSHINGAN!


    Ow, I tripped~ (x.x)

    This post was edited by The Sunflower Manual at February 4, 2018 12:52 AM EST
    • 321 posts
    February 4, 2018 1:08 AM EST

    A Shadow Under the Moons said:

    A-Pocky-Hah! said:

    And we're back to having our chuuni ninja again. :D

    I do look a bit like Rikka, don't I? FEAR THE POWER OF MY JAOUSHINGAN!


    Ow, I tripped~ (x.x)

    You're just missing the eyepatch, then you're all good.


    This post was edited by A-Pocky-Hah! at February 4, 2018 1:10 AM EST
    • 197 posts
    February 6, 2018 10:56 PM EST

    Hi, I’m new here, just got here yesterday, so we haven’t met yet, and everyone else has said basically all there is to say. You’ve lost no one’s respect, and all you’ve done is shown courage as far as I can see. But here’s a point I want to touch on:

    “I imagine a Westerner, raised to be fiercely independent, would find my attitude laughable.”

    Well, not this westerner, not at all. I’m a 42 year old woman living in the US. When I was a child, my mother could still not get a credit card without my father’s approval despite the fact that she worked. I was raised in a Baptist church and taught that anything that didn’t fit the church’s narrow definition of goodness was evil. When I grew up and started working as an attorney, I saw what I think is one of the reasons why SJWs in the US try so hard to make everyone feel included. Here’s what happened: I and a male attorney and a male court reporter were waiting outside the judge’s chambers. When he came up to us, he started shooting the shit with the two men about sports, etc. Completely ignoring me, but I was used to it, by then. And then, when it was time to go inside, he directed me to the court reporter’s table. I let him know that I was counsel, and the court reporter raised his hand and went off to the table. Well, the look on the judge’s face was priceless, and terrible. And he didn’t talk to the court reporter the rest of the time. 

    I would bet that the majority of westerners, US-raised, at least, are still shackled to traditional roles, and for reasons like yours, and for the court reporter in my story, it needs to stop. And I thought my generation would be the one to do it, but we got complacent. Hopefully the milennials and everyone who comes after can fix it, and be the age when people can be themselves, be who they are, and not be expected to fit into little pre—constructed boxes. 

    We sympathize with you because, even though it might not be as extreme as traditionalism in other countries, it’s still a scourge here, too. We don’t find your attitude laughable in the least. Not even a little bit.

    Best of luck to you, sincerely, and I hope the US is good to you.