Inspired by Epic Rap Battles of History.
Just for fun!
Talos
Vs
Mannimarco
Begin!
Listen, worm, witness Talosian style
Wipe that creepy smirk from your face
Perverted vile necrophile
Your race only lasted half an hour against my power
But I'll give you one minute to cower before my Tower
I'll add your body to my massive pile
Then crush you like I did to your Summerset Isle.
That's "Worm King" to you, oh Talos the mighty
Preaching love to your men in your tent, nightly
Tell me, have you ever won a thing without the whole team?
What you accomplished with three I did with just me!
I'm the Necromancer's Moon, Shade of the Revenant!
I out-schemed the God of Schemes now I'm un-living the dream
The world's most powerful Lich and I'll make you my bitch
Raise your corpse from the ground, there's no escape, you can't flee
My undead armies pour forth by the score
I'll turn your rotting arse into a shambling whore
And while you relive love from here to Evermore
I'll eat your soul to the core...
...That's if I'm feeling benevolent.
You make me laugh with your threats, little golden godling
I'm well acquainted with death - I created the thing!
And I can unmake you, here look at my CHIM
As I breathe now in royalty, you can't match this bling.
See that crown on my head? That's Ysmir, you hear?
I'm the Dragon of the North, you're just a corpse-puppeteer
I'm the original Shezarrine, I always reappear
And you wish your staff was as big as my spear.
Your presence is dull, you're an undead bore
So hark to my thu'um as I shout you back to Alinor
My voice will shatter your soul and freeze your bones
Leave your body in splinters, a feast for the crows
If my Voice was a wine then I'd be the arch-vintner
For I'm Talos Stormcrown and my breath is long winter!
Who won? Who's next?
You Decide!
(And join in)
Haha loved this Paws. Funny thing is before reading it I was thinking the same thing with Ulfric and General Tullius. Trouble is I don't know enough of their lore to make it work. Would be awesome to see it though.
You up for the challange?
Sotek said:Haha loved this Paws. Funny thing is before reading it I was thinking the same thing with Ulfric and General Tullius. Trouble is I don't know enough of their lore to make it work. Would be awesome to see it though.
You up for the challange?
Maybe? :D
Ulfric Stormcloak
Vs
General Tullius
Begin!
In Markarth I am known by cowards as The Bear
Because my enemies bolt in terror and despair
When they see the banner of Clan Stormcloak
As I free my people from the imperial yoke.
This is Skyrim and I'm a true Nord
But you'd see my land ruled by elves and weak-necked lords
I promise you now and don't go thinking it's a joke
I'll ram three foot of steel down your milk-drinking throat.
My voice is thunder, my sword skyforged
I'll burn and plunder as you fall back across the fjords
Away from my armies of daughters and sons
While your men blunder, lambs to the slaughter, look at them run.
I am Ulfric, true High King of this land
And I'll make this quick so you understand
Come at me and your death will be horrid
I'll shout you apart like you're dead-king Torygg.
Oh, please. You think you're tough?
A real Nord-y Nord, who's gruff rough stuff?
I've never heard such utter guff
I'm a master tactician and I call your bluff.
I'm the general
From Cyrodill
And I command legions
Who'll put you all to the sword you savage heathens
We'll restore law order to this hairy nether region
My strategy will squeeze you out like my last excretion.
So bring it, Ulfric, and it'll be your last
Mistake you'll ever make, I'll send you to Sovngarde fast
Listen closely - pretend I'm a bard
In some rancid wretched tavern in which you all need a bath
Your undisciplined hordes just make me laugh
My men wear skirts but they're twice as hard!
Who won? Who's next?
You decide!
(And join in)
Pure fire, bruh!
Not decided on the first. Talos started good with his Tower and then continued on that with his spear. Is that just a flex, some kind of dick complex? Mannimarco was a bit weaker, but his "love, nightly" and "shambling whore" were perfect. Fine, I'll say Talos for the first one.
Now the second... Skirts twice as hard, all the way. No contest The bath is a good advice too. So yes, Tullius.
And heh, give us some Eastern shit! I want a rap battle of whores now. I know you want to! Vivec vs Barenziah
Karver the Lorc said:Pure fire, bruh!
Not decided on the first. Talos started good with his Tower and then continued on that with his spear. Is that just a flex, some kind of dick complex? Mannimarco was a bit weaker, but his "love, nightly" and "shambling whore" were perfect. Fine, I'll say Talos for the first one.
Now the second... Skirts twice as hard, all the way. No contest The bath is a good advice too. So yes, Tullius.
And heh, give us some Eastern shit! I want a rap battle of whores now. I know you want to! Vivec vs Barenziah
Haha! Thanks Karves :D Yeah... Mannimarco's isn't that good. I think it's because I found I had to realllllly tone it down and dial back. Once I started down the whole undead whore thing it just took on a life of its own. I was like, "shit I can't post that" so had to revise the lot but had already lost a bit of its flow.
Vivec vs Barenziah. Interesting xD
Vivec
Vs
Barenziah
Begin!
When I said 'Love is under your will only'
I didn't really mean in a literal sense
Have you ever in your life felt remotely lonely?
More men have warmed your bed than there are bones in the ghost fence.
Never fear, muthsera, there's time to atone
Kneel before your god, approach my throne
I'll undo the error of all the times you laid prone
All the crimes, like Dibella, when you paid men in moans.
Defer to these words for they are holy
Infer I imply I think you're slightly dense
So I'll make it easy by speaking slowly
But know I truly mean you no offence.
Now reflect, genuflect, then grip me firmly
Understand why my words are armed to the teeth
Let my essence fill you, warmly, gently
And swallow, my soul is the finest greef.
Know your place is before the Warrior-Poet
Take your time, gaze up at my water face
I'm the god-king of rhymes, in my presence you're graced
So caress muatra while you blow it.
I'd be impressed if your spear was the size of your ego
But you bring up the rear in your holy trio.
I'm Barenziah, a queen, in that we're similar
Only in your dreams will we become more familiar.
Away with you now and your little gold cock
Let's fold back time, rewind the clock
Find the truth behind your fictitious portrayal
Of a street-rat-whore before your betrayal.
"Does his lordship want it Saliache"
You said these words, so please remind me
Was the "weeping and weak-kneed with their lisp"
The reason why you felt so dismissed?
I know the score so let's reminisce
You were always the lesser even before Azurah's diss.
You try and try, over-compensate
But at night you cry while you masturbate
Layer lies upon lies, oh you like to create
Because you know you can't escape your well-deserved fate.
I'm Barenziah, master manipulator, I scoff
So take your halo and harp and Vehk off!
Who won? Who's next?
You decide!
(And join in)
Battle of whores, hehe. Okay, so I think that Vivec was more clever here, but Barenziah seemed to have a better flow, and she really went into this like a woman, methodically dismantling Vivec's ego and his Muatra just like only women can do, also she very nicely brought up his past when he was just a netchiman's son. But Vivec on the other hand got real dirty in there. Essence and swallow, eh? Hehe.
I'm inclined to say Barenziah won, bringing the word sexy back to house Hlaalu. :D
Karver the Lorc said:Battle of whores, hehe. Okay, so I think that Vivec was more clever here, but Barenziah seemed to have a better flow, and she really went into this like a woman, methodically dismantling Vivec's ego and his Muatra just like only women can do, also she very nicely brought up his past when he was just a netchiman's son. But Vivec on the other hand got real dirty in there. Essence and swallow, eh? Hehe.
I'm inclined to say Barenziah won, bringing the word sexy back to house Hlaalu. :D
This was fun, Karves, good shout on the combatants! It was quite challenging because I couldn't imagine Vivec being too aggressive. In my mind, he'd default to either talking about himself or trying to get her to blow him. So I went for both, and can picture him hovering there serenely as he says this shit.
Barenziah was then a good excuse to up the aggression and deliver more of an attack, which was great fun to write. The only slight problem I found was the pronunciation of Saliache as it only works in the structure if said like "Sally-Archie" which I'm not 100% certain about. But definitely fun to try and put these two on an even-footing.
I really dig this Phil, just really do. I'll drop comment/replies for each just because I feel lame that I missed being able to comment on them earlier but yeah really dig the concept. Hmm, I might give it a rough go sometime in the future, never even been good at writing poetry so I'll doubt that I manage to get anything decent down but lets give it a shot yeah.
Anyway, if someone wants to take it I really kind of want to see a Baan Dar | Sheogorath fight, bit different because it's more dealing with trickster gods could make for some hilarious lines.
Talos
Vs
Mannimarco
Begin!
Listen, worm, witness Talosian style
Wipe that creepy smirk from your face
Perverted vile necrophile
Your race only lasted half an hour against my power
But I'll give you one minute to cower before my Tower
I'll add your body to my massive pile
Then crush you like I did to your Summerset Isle.
That's "Worm King" to you, oh Talos the mighty
Preaching love to your men in your tent, nightly
Tell me, have you ever won a thing without the whole team?
What you accomplished with three I did with just me!
I'm the Necromancer's Moon, Shade of the Revenant!
I out-schemed the God of Schemes now I'm un-living the dream
The world's most powerful Lich and I'll make you my bitch
Raise your corpse from the ground, there's no escape, you can't flee
My undead armies pour forth by the score
I'll turn your rotting arse into a shambling whore
And while you relive love from here to Evermore
I'll eat your soul to the core......That's if I'm feeling benevolent.
You make me laugh with your threats, little golden godling
I'm well acquainted with death - I created the thing!
And I can unmake you, here look at my CHIM
As I breathe now in royalty, you can't match this bling.
See that crown on my head? That's Ysmir, you hear?
I'm the Dragon of the North, you're just a corpse-puppeteer
I'm the original Shezarrine, I always reappear
And you wish your staff was as big as my spear.
Your presence is dull, you're an undead bore
So hark to my thu'um as I shout you back to Alinor
My voice will shatter your soul and freeze your bones
Leave your body in splinters, a feast for the crows
If my Voice was a wine then I'd be the arch-vintner
For I'm Talos Stormcrown and my breath is long winter!Who won? Who's next?
You Decide!
(And join in)
I think I'm actually going to give the nod to Manni here, I'd say that it basically boils down to Talos having a larger number of really good lines but Manni's just generally being stronger. He kind of had the golden lines of the piece. Oh actually even the difference in their style plays a part, I prefer Mannimarco actually ripping into Talos a little bit rather than just non-specific bragging and racial stuff from Talos (which is incredibly fitting on both their parts, exactly how I'd imagine them doing this sort of thing) but yeah really it just is personal opinion and both are great :D
Baan Dar
Vs
Sheogorath
Begin!
Bandits, pirates, smugglers, thieves
I'm the god of outcasts and those who believe
That life is a fight for what is right, and perceive
The downtrodden, lowly, those who grieve
Should receive what is due and strive to achieve
A better lot for themselves with the tricks up their sleeves.
The truth is, you Scottish gobshite
I inspire others, I lead and excite
I incite, I alight, and passions ignite
I bring light to their plight and bring low the uptight.
Listen to me recite, you irksome meddler
I rewrite and delight being the storyteller
So despite your slight I'll be polite, old fella
Share a drink with me and my Baandari Peddlers.
Life is rife with struggle and strife
And sometimes we win with a hidden knife
We might seem thuggish and lowlifes at first glance
But we're rogueish, handsome, and we take a chance
For us is the way of trade and romance
So join us for a night in the Five Fingers Dance.
There's a goose loose about this house
I'm calling fowl play.
Get it "fowl play"? I crack myself up
I'd like to do that more so off with ye, pup!
Ya think ye can go noggin to noggin with me?
I'm already in ye, a blemish on yer psyche
I'm the gentleman Daedra with no need of profanity
See? I be he who's floggin' yer sanity.
If ya don't understand I'll summon Haskill
(He loves it, thinks it's always a thrill)
His monotone voice can break yer will
And he'll write yer name in his book with a quill. Scared now?
If that doesn't work and all else fails
I'll spill yer guts and skip rope with yer entrails
Pluck out yer eyes and feed 'em to my Saints
In my madhouse we have no need of restraints.
Get it now, ye heartless once-mortal?
There's no escape from my likeness-portal.
It's not a question of how but a matter of when
I'll bring ya to my Isles and introduce ya to my Mazken
Will it be the path of Mania or Dimentia?
Ooh!! Saddle up and prepare for adventure
Do your old uncle a favour when you get there
Find that gawping grapefruit Stan and tell him Sheogorath sent ya!
Who won? Who's next?
You Decide!
(And join in)
Paws said:Haha! Thanks Karves :D Yeah... Mannimarco's isn't that good. I think it's because I found I had to realllllly tone it down and dial back. Once I started down the whole undead whore thing it just took on a life of its own. I was like, "shit I can't post that" so had to revise the lot but had already lost a bit of its flow.
Now I want to see the uncut edition! Manni needs a rematch, haha!
Ulfric, I liked the strength and flow in his more, but Tuliuses rhyms were funnier.
Barenziah, like Karver said, only a can leave burns that savage.
Baan Dar, I love sheo, but Dar's flow and rhym consistancy were just too good.
P.S. I read all of these in the over dramatic ERBOH voices