-Damm it! –
I fell down again. And it hurt. I have been at this for hours now, my good arm was the right one, and now it’s FUCKING GONE! The wine helps, a little. I put my left arm on the ground behind me and reached up with the right to reach the table and pull myself up.
-Oh, It’s not there anymore… -
I began to cry, I feel miserable. Reaching for the bottle of wine in the ground next to me, I took another sip, just what I needed. My vision was blurry, and my movements started to become jittery. The bottle was soon empty, and I just tossed it in the barrel next to my table, it was already filled with empty bottles anyways, who the fuck cares. Getting up was more difficult then I imagined, the room was already spinning and even if the rest of my body was already numb from all of the wine, the pain still remained.
The dammed pain. I could not ignore it anymore, and the wine alone was not cutting. Getting up was enough of a challenge, but keeping myself from falling was even harder. With my one remaining arm I grabbed the chair and pulled myself up. Good, that was a nice first step. Unfortunately I began to feel dizzy, that and the pain came rushing back. I had read about this before, phantom pain Lucius called it, there was no fancy thing about it, just the nerves that thought the missing limb was still there.
I took the bottle in the table and swallowed its contents. Fairly sweet taste, the Swallow potion was made with a blue mountain flower petal and a little bit of wheat, giving it a little bit of a sticky constitution but pleasant enough going down my throat. The relief was almost instantaneous, this potion was very effective, and it not only numbed pain, but also closed wounds with an accelerated speed.
I threw myself back in my bed. Sleep, please. I have not slept in the last three days, not since…
For an hour, no, was it two? Or three? Maybe I was there for a full day before I decided to get up again.
Back to the table, I’ve been at this for days now. I’ll say, with one arm only, especially since it’s not my good arm, this has been hard. It took me a few days to modify the original plans for the gauntlet, since Brennan took the initiative to install the base, I would not have to go through another surgery to recover my limb. The gauntlet was a nice model, and because of that it pained me so much when I discovered I would have to completely tear it apart to make it useful once more.
Taking it apart was hard, it required a ton of concentration, and since my left arm is not as dexterous as the now missing limb, and it is extremely difficult to take the pieces apart without breaking them. When the gauntlet was taken apart to it’s bare basics I started to build the skeleton. That was less delicate work, good; I’m fucking tired of so much delicate work with this hand.
The mechanical bones were made of dwarven metal, just like the shoulder piece and the rest of the new arm. Brennan was helping me; he did not come in to see me though, as per my request. But he did forge the bigger pieces I needed. I don’t want anyone to see me now, not until I am whole again.
After what seemed an hour of error upon error I finally managed to put the basics of the skeleton together. Now I just need to connect the circuits, they will serve as my new nerves. It looked ugly, I was once so proud of the original design of the gauntlet, but this, this needs to look normal, or else people will look at me like I’m a freak. The dwemer decorations, and designs, now gone, just for the sake of normality.
I am depressed now. Need to sleep, NOW. As I fell into my bed I started to hear a soft sob. Then conversation. Muffled talking.
-Dear, go to sleep, she needs her privacy – said a soft voice in the other side of the door, Julia
-I-I can’t, don’t… please leave me here; I need to see her – said Sofia’s soft, muffled voice.
I can’t stand this… hearing her like this; it pains me even more than my arm. I felt tears rolling down my cheeks. I sat down, my back touching the door. I could feel her, in the other side, sobbing just like me.
Julia’s footsteps started to fade as she walked away from Sophia. I waited, frozen with anxiety. When enough time passed and I realized we were alone I spoke:
-Sophia? –
-Yeah? – She said with an extremely anxious voice
-Uh, I-I want to see you, please come in – I said with a shy voice
She wasted no time; I could feel her getting up and opening the door so fast that I fell down. When she saw me on the floor she looked like she was about to start crying again. Holding the tears back she said nothing, and instead picked me up and put me in my bed.
-I’m sorry… I should have talked to you sooner; I’m not getting any sleep lately, and, arhhhh, I just want to sleep… - I said
-I can’t stop blaming myself for what happened, if only I acted quicker, maybe, maybe you would still be whole… - she said with a depressed expression
-Don’t blame yourself, not even Brennan was fast enough to cut her down, and besides it’s my entire fault. Just because I can’t control my own magic, honestly, it’s pathetic and now I’m deformed… -
She embraced me and said while starting to sob again:
-I didn’t fall in love with a stupid arm. You’re no freak, you are beautiful, and I love you –
I felt a tear going down my face. I guess that is what I needed to hear. Her voice overjoyed me, and in response to her kindness I laid my head on her chest, for the first time since the incident, I quickly slipped into blissful unconsciousness.
When I woke I was still laying my head on Sophia’s breast. I did not want to leave the comfort of her embrace, and she deserved her rest. Poor thing probably stayed awake for as long as I have been. But I needed to get back to work. Slowly but surely I relieved myself from her embrace, she did not wake up though, heavy sleeper as she was. I got back to my workbench and the Amazon in my bed turned and grunted until she found a comfortable position.
I still had work to do, so I let her snore away in the background, most people would probably be annoyed, but after so many days of isolation the sound was surprisingly soothing. Enough distractions, I need to focus. The base circuits and skeletal structure were done. Now I need to build the outer armor, and fill it with weapons of course, that vampire is going to pay for what she did.
After hours upon hours of trial and error I finally got the arm working. By sending small electrical pulses into the sockets I could verify that indeed it was working, now comes the bad part. I walked over to the sleeping woman and woke her up. She was a still tired when she did get up, but eventually she just pushed her brown hair away from her face and I handed her a jug of water to quench her morning thirst.
-Hi, good morning, what is it? – She asked
-This is the final part of this ordeal; I only need to connect the arm to the base Brennan built. This hurts, a lot –
Her expression changed for one of sympathy, but she understood the situation and got up to help me set the thing up. Along with the arm itself I also built another machine, one that would connect the arm with my nerves, allowing me to move it normally. Once we got the arm and myself in place Sophia grabbed the lever that would activate the device and connect the arm to my body. This would connect circuit with nerve, and that would cause me extreme pain, similar to the pain I endured when Brennan cut my nerves and bone during the operation.
-ARGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! - I shouted at the top of my lungs – FUCK THIS HURTS!!!! –
Soon it was over though, and I was able to feel the limb once more. The pain still lingered for a few minutes, minutes of waiting, minutes filled with anticipation before I would move my arm for the first time. I concentrated, this would be a little different than moving an arm of flesh and bone. Sophia looked at it closely, and squirmed with excitement when I managed the first twitches. After much concentration I managed to lift my arm, and after a few minutes of exercises I managed to figure out how to control this thing.
-How do you move it? – Asked my lover with a childlike look of amazement on her face
-The circuits of the machine are connected with the nerves of my arm, and for power, I connected it directly with a point in my arm that feeds directly from my own magika reserves –
-Isn’t that dangerous? The last time you used your own magika this tragedy happened – she pointed out
-It is safe this time; I am using a focusing crystal that uses only a tiny fraction of my overall mana, if I activate the other functions of the arm it uses more energy, but never the full force -
-But does this arm have the same functions of the old gauntlet? –
-It should, still need a bit of testing, but I believe it is working properly –
We continued discussing the new limb for a few more minutes, mostly me explaining basics of mechanics to her, but the conversation soothed my nerves, and made me feel at peace. I usually wore a simple sleeveless linen shirt, but with this new metallic limb I think it would be best for me to don a new vestment. Taking a quick look at my wardrobe I noticed a suitable red cape that had long sleeves, a hood and a black dragon symbol on it’s back.
-Meh, I suppose this will do for now –
I headed down to the main hall along with Sophia to talk to the others. They were very kind and supportive. None of them bothered me too much asking to see the new limb, I suppose they noticed I was wearing a cape and gloves because I did not want to show of a mechanical arm.
The next few days were a bit of a bore. I received no new contracts, granted Lucius was not here to listen to the night mother’s words, but Brennan always managed to find some low profile contracts that kept us busy until our listener found some more important ones. I took the free time and used it to further improve the arm. I was stress testing it a lot, how much weight I could lift with it, how precise my movements were, and of course, fixing what I was not happy with.
I began to miss Sophia’s company; she needed to get her mind off the current happenings, so she took more contracts then normally during these few days. But she was still able to come home for the night, most days, allowing me to have some private time with her.
It was nighttime when Lucius and Ruby arrived; Sophia and I were enjoying each other’s company when Julia rudely interrupted us.
-Capran is here, he already heard about the incident and he wants to see you - she said
-He is back? Oh, good, I was worried sick! Is he okay? – Asked Sophia
-He is fine, he looks a bit concerned, and says he has something to tell us, but other than that no physical injuries. Although Ruby seems a bit shocked, I’m thinking maybe she witnessed one of Lucius’s episodes – said Julia
I stayed quiet, I had a special request I needed to ask Lucius, but I don’t know if he would grant it. I pushed that away from my mind for now, when the time comes I will bring it up.
We went to the main hall to meet up with our companions, sure enough Lucius was there, along with Ruby, who kept putting her hands in the hilt of her mace every time Capran moved.
He kept talking to Brennan and Julia for a while, but eventually he finished talking business with them and Brennan headed for Falkreath under Capran’s orders.
He approached me, asking me if I was okay. I told him that I needed to speak with him, privately.
He nodded and asked me to follow him to his office; he closed the door behind us when he walked in. He sat down across the table, poured us a drink and began to smoke his pipe.
-I imagine that you don’t particularly want to talk about what happened, your attire speaks for itself. Hiding your arm will not deal with the phantom pain, and there are very few ways of dealing with illusory pain, if you want we could try something new. It would be a little risky, as it would require me to use my nightmare realm on you, but if I manage to convince your sub consciousness that your arm is still there, maybe the pain will go away – said Lucius
-You will excuse me if I don’t want to try any of your hocus-pocus solutions; your nightmare realm has already made men fall into madness, even when you just wanted to interrogate them. It is not something that heals in any way Lucius – I said with a bit of a grump expression, I felt sorry afterwards, I shouldn’t be aggressive to him just for trying to help me – I-I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be mad at you for trying, but I guess if you are suggesting this then there is no efficient medical solution- I spoke with a small frown
-Unfortunately no, this pain that you are feeling can only go away with time. Your body is still not accustomed to the new limb, but with enough patience and recovery your brain will learn to accept it, just have a little faith – he said with an empathic smile
-Faith… I would rather have had faith in your own two hands, I dread to think what would have happened if Brennan was not here, or if he missed his cuts, even for a fucking centimeter. But I know, useless to speak of these things now, it’s all in the past –
-I trust you had a request for me, what is it? – Asked Lucius
-I-I want you to teach me how to control my magic! – I said, and to my great disappointment his initial reaction was of denial
-We tried this once, do you not remember? The results were as expected, and they did not look promising, what changed? As far as I know, you lost your arm because of the monstrous amount of energy that dwells inside you, and even releasing a tiny bit caused all of that damage –
I clenched my fists and looked down. He needed to understand, if not Sophia's own father, who else? I stood up, trying to look more imposing.
-I feel guilty for what happened ok! If I had not acted fast enough, if I had not used my magic and lost my arm, Brennan would have surrendered, or the vampires would have executed us, took us as prisoners, or worse! And now I feel weak, I want to kill that bitch, only then will I be able to protect Sophia. I am tired of being cared for, I want to be able to help her, when she needs me – I said, with a new hope stirring in my heart, wanting him to understand
He hung his head in sympathy, and took another huff of his pipe. He stood up and picked a tome from his bookshelf, then he picked his cup of brandy and began to leave the room.
-Well? Are you coming? I don’t have all day…
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