Caylin's Monsters
Chapter 4: Painful Remembrance
The next day, while traveling west from Whiterun to our next mission, I was stunned when I saw the burnt-out remains of a house off the side of the road. I couldn’t believe it… I couldn’t breath. I felt like someone had punched me in the gut. Farkas must have been confused why I stopped because he asked if something was wrong.
There was a long pause before I responded, the words were catching in my throat. “That was… my home,” I said. My voice trembled as I continued, “That’s where my parents… and my younger sister…” I closed my eyes for a moment and took a deep breath, trying to steady my quivering vocal cords. “That’s where they were killed,” I finally managed. I fought back the tears as I slowly walked toward the house. “I can’t believe no one’s torn it down after all these years,” I said softly, more to myself than to Farkas.
As I looked around at the tattered remains of my home, I was flooded with memories of my family. I never thought it would affect me this strongly… seeing it again. I looked at the bed in the corner. “My sister and I shared that bed,” I told Farkas. “I remember our parents telling us stories at night to help us fall asleep; stories of great heroes and their adventures…” I paused, looking away. “And they always had a happy ending,” I said in a whisper. I wiped the tears from my eyes as I looked up at Farkas and smiled awkwardly, trying to hide my pain. “I used to tell those same stories to Nilindil when she first came to the orphanage,” I reminisced as my faux smile slowly disappeared.
“If you don’t mind me asking,” Farkas inquired gently, “what actually happened to your family?” There was a sincere look of concern in his eyes. I could remember it all like it was yesterday. I hadn’t spoken about this to anyone in a long time. I told Nilindil once, but neither of us brought up our families that often… it was just too painful. “I was playing out back in the field,” I began. “Then the soldiers walked up. I could hear my dad and one of the soldiers shouting at each other… then I heard swords clashing… and my mother screamed.” My voice was trembling violently now, and I could barely speak due to the lump in my throat. “I ran toward the house to see what was happening, but then… then I saw the fire. It spread so fast…” My eyes were full of tears again. “I could hear my sister screaming… she was screaming my name, but I was so scared.” My heart was racing, and I was almost in a panic. “I couldn’t move… I couldn’t speak.” The memories were so vivid I started to hyperventilate. “I was completely useless!” I shouted at myself. I tried to wipe away my tears, but more just took their place. “Then… then the screaming stopped…”
I quickly turned away from Farkas and began to sob quietly. At that point, it was impossible for me to continue. All those years of pent up grief finally came to the surface. The pain was intense, but it was a pain I needed to feel. I had spent so many years holding it down that it was a relief to release it. I felt a weight lifting from me as the tears rolled down my cheeks. Farkas let me cry. He didn’t try to console me or tell me everything would be alright. I think he knew I needed to let it out… and I did. I let it all out: my sadness, my anger at the soldiers, and the shame I felt for being too scared to act. When the tears finally dried up, the pain was still there, but I was stronger for it. And I remembered why I was doing this, why I wanted to join the Legion to begin with… It was to stop this kind of thing from ever happening again.
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