There’s a Great Black Hole Inside of Me, Where Adventures in Skyrim Used to Be

• Posted by Ailís Haughton April 9, 2012 - 718 views

  Some impromptu poetry in the journal title for you all there. I didn’t even know I was so lyrical, as I contemplated life without TES.

  It’s been an age since I have written, but it’s not from lack of wanting to. It’s just, without adventures to write about, how could I continue on?

  Alas child, quieten down, you say. Why hast thou has no more adventures in the land of Skyrim?

  I choke back a sob.

  Because the PS3 FUCKIN SUCKS!

  Yes. I was a victim of the PS3′s inability to cope with the awesome breadth of my monumental journey. As it struggled to process every thing I had ever touched, every path I had tread, every person I had spoken to, every generic bandit I had killed at the cost of seamless textures and movement, returning to Skyrim to pick up where I had left off was like trying to walk through Vaseline on acid.

  At first I didn’t understand what was going on, so I would reload repeatedly trying to walk across a stretch of forest or wherever I was, diving into every possible cave along the way, as the problem didn’t seem to exist in dungeons.

  After about two weeks of struggling with this issue that seemed to get worse with each load, I threw in the proverbial towel, or flung my dualshock against a brick wall and ejected Skyrim from the machine for the first time in 4 months.

  Why can’t I get it on the PC, or indeed download that remedy patch sticking plaster released by the devs recently? Because my PC is 8 years old and might as well be eight thousand. Because I recently moved house and cannot currently connect my ps3 to a broadband connection for updating. Because I have no money! BECAUSE I MUST CUT THE GRASS!

  The last exclamation may seem like a non-sequiter but I assure you, it’s very relevant. Having a partner and two dogs, specifically in Spring, is extremely detrimental to ones gaming life. Also having an iPhone.

  Honey what’s for dinner? Oh honey, the bright evenings are brilliant for walking the dogs etc, let’s go! Oh honey, can you wash my shirts I don’t know how to work the washing machine. Woof!! Woof woof woof!!

  Before I knew it, two months had passed since I put Skyrim back in it’s cover, and it was only as I was waxing the fuckin furniture did I stumble across it and lamented its absence in my life.

  Oh to traverse craggy mountains and icy terrains! Oh to stay in warm inns after slaying a dragons! Oh to grow powerful with magic! To be stealthy and shoot a bow  and wield a sword! To pick herbs and steal shit!

  My heart aches too much from lack of Skyrim…

  I must find a way back!