Dead Body? Gimme Some! Yum!!!

• Posted by Ailís Haughton January 15, 2012 - 986 views

  I would eat human flesh to win the ultimate prize. Not even the ultimate prize. A rather average prize in fact.

  I’ve just finished fulfilling the prerequisites to obtain another Daedric artefact: Namira’s Ring. Turns out I have no scruples when it comes to shit-hot bling.

  

  Eola. I'd probably recruit her as a follower if she didn't enjoy eating people so much.

  When weirdo Eola bade me lure the priest of Arkay from Markarth to Reachcliff Cave in order to “feast on his flesh,” I didn’t really know how much I would be expected to do.  I sort of thought, I bring the guy, I get a juicy reward, they do what they have to do.

  Luring Brother Verulus was the easy part. Actually, it wasn’t that easy, because the fecker didn’t fall prey to my previously mentioned awesome speech-craft skill, nor could I intimidate him. It’s like he knew I was a Harbinger, and I don’t mean leader of the Companions (which I am), I mean portent-of-doom type harbinger. In the end, I had to bribe the jittery sod a whopping 684 septims (or thereabouts- I have amassed so much gold at this stage it actually didn’t hurt me too much). No. It was the fact I had resorted to bribery that stung. 

  

  Verulus. Soon to be ham.

  But not as much as what I would have to do next.

  Post-lure, Eola is like, right, now kill him so we can scoff his ass. She doesn’t really say it like that, in fact she says it quite sensuously, her tone belies the true horrible face of the crime she is asking me to commit. Speaking of asses, I will never forget when I was a little girl, how I was forbidden to enter my mother’s bedroom, but being the kind of person who does what she’s told not to do , I used a little-girl-levelled sneak skill from a very early age and stole in. Perusing her bookshelf, I happened upon the book “Alive” which recounts the shocking conditions a Uruguayan frugby team had to endure to survive after crash-landing in middle of the Andes in the depths of a harsh Winter. Yep, they ate their compadres. They really had no choice. I knew the gist of the tale, I think it must have been coming out on film, because everyone was talking about it. Anyway, I really wanted to read a description about eating people, because I was morbid that way aged what, seven or something, so I flicked through it until I got to a moment where one of them has to cut “slivers” of flesh from the frozen buttocks of friend and/or relative.  

  

  Some people have no choice.

  Well, I don’t think I ever felt so nauseous reading something (except maybe in American Psycho years later, when a prostitute is sawn in half after having a rat forced up her, only for it to emerge, gore covered, from her duodenum. I think I actually puked). (Having said that, it’s been so long since I read it I possibly could have imagined the whole sequence). (Nevertheless, I highly recommend it)! 

  So I say okay, and totter over to Namira’s altar, upon which lies Brother Verulus, who must be challenged mentally since he acquiesced to rest on a bloodied slab to have a kip before “dinner.” Putting two and two together, and coming up with zero, he was snoozing quite happily: I was unable to wake him. 

  

  That idiot Verulus lying on Namira's altar for "a rest."

  Then I somehow mustered the will to kill the poor innocent priest. Something I would rarely ever do in a game. And yes, then I began eating him.

  “Wow, I am so impressed with your eating skills,” coos Namira’s disembodied voice, “here, take my ring, champion of eaters, behold its FANTASTIC power.”

  A bit disappointed that its fantastic power included giving the wearer the ability to sustain themselves on corpses, I thought there’s no way I can repeatedly do this, EVEN THOUGH IT’S NOT REAL.

  So I reloaded and chose to NOT eat Brother Verulus, but rather kill everyone else residing in the gruesome coven. They deserved death!

  Brother Verulus wakes up when it’s all over and he’s like, woahhh! Ehhh… WTF!?

  And I’m like, yeah!

  And he’s like, here’s some gold!

  As a feeling of intense boredom befell me when I realised what my alternate prize was for doing the right thing, I felt a moment of dread- was I really considering replaying the whole sequence again, just to have a unique prize?

  But then a message popped up that I’d failed this quest and a feeling of absolute horror at this great no-no stamped out any apathy slowing my decision making process down.

  RELOAD.

  Blah blah blah arrgghh! Noooo! Don’t kill m-  Mompf! Mompf! Belch!

  Oooh, thanks for the ring.

  And so another Daedric artefact comes into my possession. I now have the Molag Bal (great for getting ones follower <at the moment, Kharjo> to fill up soul gems on the side), the Wabbajack (only used it a few times and not as much fun or effective as I thought), the Dawnbreaker (I like this one!), the Sanguine Rose (awesome staff that summons a Dremora to fight for you) Mehrune’s Razor (crap) and…okay, I can’t remember if I have any others.

  I sit there for a bit, dazed. Have I made the right decision? Do I really  need to complete ALL missions? Do I really need ALL the artefacts?

  I decide I do. In Oblivion, I completed all of the Daedric quests in order to get the Oghma Infinium, a seriously awesome skill book that was worth the pain. And even if nothing awaits me at the end of this long, laboured path, it’s certainly…interesting.

  I switch channels to watch “Downton Abbey” while I recover.

  

  Downton Abbey. Hugh Bonneville's in it.