The Tale of the Chicken Slayer

• Posted by Nyar Oncalagon November 16, 2011 - 345 views

  I was eager to play Skyrim after all the hype I've read online and the word of mouth I've heard ... from mouths ... full of words ... to my ears.  The graphics, the gameplay, the systems, are all supposed to be leaps and bounds above Oblivion.

  One aspect of Oblivion that left much to be desired was its crime system.  The instant telepathic continent-wide alert system of Oblivion would leave our modern police agencies drooling with desire with their silly cell phones, television, and Internets.

  So I have read on multiple review sites and forums that Skyrim's crime system has been vastly improved.  No longer do guards from west coast tiny village A send instant telepathic alerts to the guards of east coast tiny village B when you steal a goblet.  Right?  .... right?

  

  So I roll a new character in Skyrim.  After what I've read about the vastly improved stealth system (more on that later), I figure I'll play a thief.  I'm a huge fan of the Thief series, and I've got a major Thief itch that I'm hoping this game will scratch, right?  

  

  So I get into the role of my new character.  I'm going to wear light armor.  I'm going to steal stuff when people aren't looking.  I'm going to be ..a badass ... that shoots fire and lighting out of his hands.  So after the first little town of Riverwood (I bet a lot of time and money went into the focus group on that name), I come across a wandering chicken on my way to the next town.  I happened to have the level 1 fire spell equipped, so I torched the chicken.  I'm sure I was the only one who even thought to do such a dastardly deed.  Oh, and there were definitely witnesses to the torching of said chicken that was wandering around out in the open at night.  

  

  A minute later, a guard comes sprinting up from off in the distance - like 100 yards away.  "Halt!  You've commited a crime" or some such.   At the time I seriously had no idea what he was talking about, and the game doesn't specify which crime was comitted.  I had just started the game; how on earth could I have comitted a crime?  So what was my natural inclination to being falsely accused?  "You'll never take me alive!"

  So I attack him.  Now of course I understand the age-old RPG model that you suck until you're awesome.  I get that.  But my attacks are doing taking 5 percent off his HP bar, and his attacks take half of my health.  I've got the same armor on, and my sword has already been made (fine) for effs sake. 

  The City Guard from Ultima 3 - The Ultimate Badass

  It took a few (a LOT) of quicksaves and loads, but eventually I took this false accuser down!  So then I "sneak" into town ... at night.  Now I know my sneak is only at "20" at this point, but the guards are spotting me at 80 yards and start shooting arrows at me.  After a few (a LOT) more quickloads, I try sneaking in from different angles.  Apparently my sneaking skill is SO bad that I'm making sounds so terrible that I can't even hear them because guards are "spotting" me when I'm behind several layers of wall and stone and still a good 20-30 yards away.  There is ..no...sound.  

  So now I have 2-3 guards after me of the same caliber as the last....with absolutely no way to sneak past them in the middle of the night.  Line of sight doesn't seem to matter.  Shadows don't seem to matter.

  So finally after some (a LOT of) time, I am able to book it past the guards and see the guy who I'm supposed to see for the main quest plot line.  There's like 6 people in there and several guards who see me and instantly start sprinting after me to attack me.  Now that's a dedicated lord and court, not to mention a highly efficient medieval wanted poster system.  I'm guessing changing into the peasants clothes would not have mattered at this point.

  So now what are my options?  Load an earlier save and don't kill chickens this time.  Go to jail for killing a chicken. (the guards attacked ME over refusing to go to jail for killing a chicken, so I'm totally in the clear for their stupid deaths right?)  So I go to jail ... and lo and behold a gigantic grate in the floor.  Oh and the guards gave me 1 lockpick for "sport" I guess.

  So I pick the lock and enter the sewers.  The game tells me to "Find my items" so I get through the sewers and enter the guards' barracks, and I'm looking EVERYWHERE and not finding my items.  "Must be in with the guards."  So I go in and the guards are all sleeping.  I don't make...a...single...sound.   Yet several steps in several guards wake up.  "Halt!"  A few (no really just a few this time as I'm starting to get sick of this crap) quickloads later I'm finding I can't sneak worth crap.  I'm not making sound, but guards are waking up after only a few steps.  And I can't find my items.  "I'll just get more."

  So I go outside instead of trying to find my items.  It's day time.  I wait for night time (Press "T") and the guards are still spotting me or hearing me or whatever through walls and across great distances...at night.  "There's a town full of people, but that twig that broke over there HAS to be the chicken slayer!"  So even though I can sneak out of jail, I can't sneak out of town.  So what is the game telling me?  

  

  Here are some of the messages that have come in loud and clear:

  "Don't try to sneak until you're good at it."  So ... why would I try to sneak at all then if it doesn't freaking work?  

  "Don't kill chickens and steal napkins."  Apparently the nomadic Nords of Skyrim take crime very seriously.

  "You suck ... until you're awesomer." Guards are Aragorn. You are Pippin.  You suck.

  "You can do whatever you want exactly the way we want you to ... at least until your awesomer."  And that's the bottom line I've gotten so far.  Maybe that's intentional.  Maybe I have just grown used to Bioware RPGs where you start  feeling like a bad ass and end feeling like a supreme sith slaying uber elite bad ass.  Bethesda wants you to feel small before you feel large, and I say, "Go suck an egg."