The Vianto Diaries - Entries 10-11

• Posted by Andrew Shepherd July 11, 2015 - 737 views

  Diary entry 10 - 10th of Sun's Dusk - College of Winterhold

   I am feeling very shaky right now. I am sitting in my own dorm room in the College of Winterhold having just been visited by the principle. I have been here a few days and I can tell you that they have been somewhat disturbing. Let me start from when I first approached the college.

   When I got up to the path that led to the bridge out to the college I was stopped by a mage who insisted I take a test before she let me in. An aptitude test in magic, as it were. Now, I've never really been very good at tests. I can be very nervy sometimes, I get gas and tend to choke and make mistakes under pressure. Although I am a Breton, magic has never really come easy to me. So this mage, she asks me to perform a simple flame spell aimed at the seal on the path. If I could light it up, I could pass. Try as though I might, I could really only produce match-lights at the ends of my fingers. The mage smirked at me and then turned her back. Again, another humiliating experience. But I was not going to be deterred. 

   When I was a kid, I used to entertain my play mates with this little party trick with the flames spell. Now I know this is a bit juvenile, but you can't say I am not resourceful. Whilst the mage's back was turned, I dropped my pants, pointed my bum at the seal, lit my finger and released an explosive round of flatulence. The resultant fireball not only lit up the seal but also set the mages robe hem on fire and she was obliged to cast frost on it to put it out. I managed to get my pants up before she saw what I had done. She told me only a powerful mage would be able to cast a blast of flame like that and "welcome to the college!"

   I turned down the tour by the head mage, who was engaged in a conversation with a Thalmor wizard who's name I think was Acunto (?)

  I went into the main hall and saw a group of students engaged in a lecture about ward spells. I spotted a Dunmer mage sitting in an alcove and showed him Sheogorath's staff and how much would he give me for it. His eyes went wide when he saw it and he started talking gibberish - " wabbajack, wabbajack!" he kept saying. Another couple of mages saw this and came over to look and suddenly a bidding war started for it, then an argument ensued and before I knew it bolts of destruction magic started flying around the room. All I can remember hearing was the old guy giving the lecture yelling "now cast the ward spell, and keep it up" over and over again. Which I did. The fight only settled down when the principle walked in and then marched us all up to his office. When he had reprimanded the trouble makers a couple of mages were left and he allowed them to barter for the staff which I eventually sold to Enthir for 2500 septims, which I think was too good a deal cos he walked off chuckling. Then I unwrapped the Skull of Corruption and asked the principle what it was worth. He immediately went pale, confiscated the staff and made me sit down and recount my entire story. By the end of it he looked very disturbed and called an immediate meeting of the senior wizards.

   When they were all assembled in his office, he made me tell the story again and asked me to repeat the story about the Hargraven and me being called "the chosen one". This time, no one laughed, they just looked at one another with worried faces and sent me off to my room.

   So the principle (the arch mage Savos Aren it turned out) has just visited me privately and told me something that has made me vomit on my new college robes. It appears that the sexual intercourse I was forced to have with the Hagraven was part of some obscure prophecy about some hybrid born to a  hagraven and a Breton anti-hero called "The Chosen One" and this child would end up doing something really bad.

   I still am trying not to be sick, but the idea that I might have a kid to that thing chills me to the bone. I can't stay here, I think I will head down to the tavern and try and get drunk.

   

  Entry 11. Date - the day that I lose my mind.
  
  

  Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse. So now I am sitting in Candlehearth Hall in Windhelm, but to be honest I am amazed I am able to sit at all. Ok, "sigh", here goes. After the bad news the college of Winterhold's principle gave me I went down to the tavern to get drunk. Where I met a man named Sam. How I find myself in these situations I just don't know. Anyway, he engaged me in a drinking contest to win a staff. Now you'd think after my previous encounters regarding staves that I would have left well enough alone. But I was drunk, he was buying and my judgement just went out the window. 
  
  

  I ended up drinking myself into oblivion (quite literally it turned out later on) and when I came to I was back in Markarth. Lying on the floor. Covered in scratches, bruises and what felt like broken ribs. And a chipped tooth. I was being nudged by the foot of a priestess of Dibella. She told me I had come in stinking drunk and I had chipped my tooth when she had whacked me over the head whilst my lips were wrapped around the statue of Dibella's boob.
  
  

  I apologized and helped her clean up my mess and when I asked what had happened she told me I had mentioned Rorikstead. I remember thinking - not that s**t-hole! That's where all of this started! So anyways, I stumbled out of the temple and promptly got nabbed by the guards. I had forgotten I had been banned from Markarth. So I was unceremoniously hurled down the front steps at the front gate. Fortunately I still had plenty of septims left from my sale of the staff to Enthir so I paid double to the coach-man to get me the f***k out of the reach as quickly as possible so the forsworn didn't catch me. 
  
  

  I got to Rorikstead at dusk and went straight to the tavern, watchful for that bard bastard who told me about labyrinthian. I was standing at the bar about half way through my fourth pint of ale when I was accosted by a farmer named Ennis who started blathering about how I had stolen his goat, 'Gleda' and sold it to a giant. I certainly would never had attempted to do that sober, so I assured him I would try and get the goat back - something I also would not have done had I been sober.
  
  

  So the next day, Ennis pointed me in the direction of the giant's camp. He said the giant's name was Grok, how he knew this I had no idea. So I kind of hobbled up the road (on account of my tender ribs) a few miles until I could smell the giant's camp and crept behind a rocky outcrop to see where he was. I could see Gleda, but no Grok. So I crept on my belly, Arkay my ribs were sore, towards the camp and suddenly this booming voice came from behind me:
  
  

  "Funny pretty girly-man!! You come back to have more fun with Grok?!"
  
  

  I leapt up and spun around to see the giant towering above me. I managed to croak that I was just here for the goat and he responded with:
  
  

  "You can have goat, girly-man, if you let Grok have some more snuggles!!" Suddenly, with a sick feeling in the pit of my gut, I realised why my ribs were broken. In rage, terror and disgust I cast a bound-bow spell, but all I managed was a sling-shot. It was good enough. I fired a mystical pellet at Grok and it got him right in the eye. He howled and doubled up with a huge hand clapped over his face and I left the goat and half sprinted-hobbled back in the direction of Roriktead.
  
  

  Upon seeing my face, Ennis hurriedly told me that I mentioned that I had to pay Ysolda in Whiterun, and then took off towards the inn. I was so Arkay-damn mad that I stormed up the road towards Whiterun unconcsiously casting firecloak every few minutes and amazingly I was given a wide berth all the way to the city.
  
  

  The first thing I did when I got there was make for the tavern to get drunk. As I was cradling my head on the bar I was roughly shaken by a woman demanding payment for a wedding ring I had apparently purchased from her on credit. Now I was curious. I offered to buy her a drink and asked who I had proposed to marry. Ysolda couldn't believe that I had forgotten about the beautiful, blushing bride I had described and how I was to have a fairy tale wedding in a place called Morvunskar. She was waiting for me at Witchmist grove!
  
  

  Finally!, I remember thinking. I had done something right in Skyrim! A beautiful Nord bride. Hopefully she had a rich father! 
  
  

  After some food and rest, I purchased another horse and made towards the grove. There was no-one there when I arrived, just a quaint little hut. Well, she ain't rich, I had thought. But she must be beautiful! I jumped down from the horse, crept towards the door and pushed it slightly ajar.
  
  

  Why me? I seriously must be cursed. I feel like throwing up as I write this. Okay, here goes...
  
  

  Waiting inside for me was another f***king HAGRAVEN!!
  
  

  It smiled this horrific smile and told me I had to consummate our love! I don't know what was in that stuff that Sam gave me but it must have been strong for me to go there again!! I backed up against the door and asked her what had happened. BAAAD mistake. She started accusing me of an affair with another hagraven and came at me. I managed to shove her off and she fell backwards into her own cauldron. I managed to bolt out the door and onto my horse as the hut shook with horrendous shrieks.
  
  

  Sobbing with shock I just spurred my horse on wards and by the time me and my mount had calmed down I had found myself outside of an abandoned fort. Or so I thought. I had unwittingly found Morvunskar and was immediately apprehended by some pretty nasty mages. I hurriedly told them my story, which they found highly entertaining so they decided not to kill me on the spot and instead took me through the damp, musty bowels of the fort to the boss. An evil looking man, whose face bore the marks of years of sadism. He was sitting up on a dais on a throne made of stone. The mages told me to recount my tale, and all the while this twisted, sour-faced cadaver of a man just stared at me. Then he raised one eyebrow, the only change in his expression, and said "Most amusing. You will provide much entertainment during my experiments. Put him in the dungeon with the others."

  Then just as disbelief was registering, a bright light erupted from behind me, the boss mage jumped up in surprise, and I fell backwards through some sort of portal in space and time. Of course.

  I found myself sitting on the grass in a lovely garden at twilight. The sound of a breeze in the leaves, a softly babbling brook, and distant merriment drew me along a path to where a dinner party was in full swing, hosted by none other than my f**king a***hole drinking buddy, Sam. Without thinking I strode angrily towards him and swung a punch at his head, but I tripped on a tree root and fell flat on my face before I could land it. He simply laughed and said:
  
  

  "Vianto my friend, you never fail to entertain!" He then promptly metamorphasized into a dremora, and I promptly fainted. When I came to he was gently slapping me about the face with his burning hand, leaving singe-marks on my stubble, and chuckling. I immediately scrambled backwards and to my feet. Sam then reintroduced himself as Sanguine, the daedric prince and went on to say how proud he was of me, and that he had never met anyone in all his years that had amused him so much, curse or no. Prick. He then handed me my reward - a giant rose. What kind of ridiculous, namby-pamby, girly-man reward was this? As if reading my thoughts, Sam/Sanguine laughed uproariously and told me that maybe I should hang on to this one this time. Go forth and spread merriment he cried. What a douche-bag, I thought as I suddenly found myself once again in a mind-jarring portal and landed in a heap on the floor, back in godsdamned Frozen Hearth in Winterhold.
  
  

  I sat there dazed for a moment, surrounded by open-mouthed patrons, when one of the college mages present yelled: "There's the chosen one! Grab him, quick!" Without thinking, I pointed the staff and felt a jolt as a two-meter tall Dremora sizzled into existence right in the middle of the pub screaming "KILL! KILL!". The patrons scattered shrieking and the mages opened up on him with bright bolts of energy, whilst I crawled hands and knees to the door and out into a raging blizzard. Without looking back I tore up the frozen road, away from the nightmare erupting in the town.
  
  

  I made it to a mine up the road about an hour later, almost frozen to death, barely able to hold onto the rose. The miners stared at me as this gaunt, broken icicle of a man staggered inside and collapsed by the fire. I came to a couple hours later and was fed some soup by one of the miners. My fingertips were white from frostbite. I asked where the nearest town was. Windhelm, was the answer, and only 2 ways to get to it. Either brave the track down to the coast which was crawling with wolves, ice-wraiths and frost trolls, or brave the road past a fort filled with necromancers and undead. Wonderful choices. I contemplated throwing myself head-first into the fire, and then one of the miners offered me some cheap wine and I settled down. Eventually, I came up with a plan.
  
  

  I paid the miners several septims for their hospitality and for a fur cloak, wine and provisions and then struck out again on to the road. I would make for the road past the fort. I had spend the past couple of hours by the fire, smearing my college robes with soot from the fire and using a charcoal stick to draw faux-tatoos on my face. I decorated the top of the rose staff with some old chicken bones and put on my best necromancer's face. Then a few miles up the road, I took a deep breath and pointed the rose at the ground. Again, the howling dremora came shrieking into reality.
  
  

  "I SMELL WEAKNESS!!" it screamed, glaring at me. I tried to talk to it. Ok, ok there are no enemies near-by I just need your help.

  "ANOTHER SEEKS DEATH!!" Please just listen to me, I need you to do something.

  "YOU MEET YOUR END, MORTAL!!!" Come on, tell me your name! Stop being so hostile!
  
  

  This went on for several summonings until the Dremora just stood there staring angrily at me. I finally got his name, Narhaz. I asked him to simply walk beside me and not attack anything as we went past the fort. He screamed, foolish mortal! and a few things about rending flesh and splintering bone until I got a "very well, mortal scum." Good enough.
  
  

  So we rounded the hill overlooking the path, with me walking as close to Narhaz to stay warm but trying not to touch him. Several necromancers stood outside the fort and the walls walked with shambling, creaking animated skeletons. The mages stared at me but eyed Narhaz warily as we slowly walked past. I could almost feel the dremora;'s hand twitching towards his wicked sword and he started muttering "I smell weakness!" under his breath. But we made it past the fort and around the next bend. I was breathing a sigh of relief, when Narhaz suddenly screamed in rage as he brought his sword down onto a frightened rabbit that had run across the path in front of us, yelling "KILL! KILL!" and then suddenly vanished. I felt sorry for the animal, but he had shown remarkable restraint.
  
  

  I made it to Windhelm without further incident.

  So now I am sitting at the downstairs bar in Candlehearth hall, with the weirdest Argonian I have ever met. I went down to the docks to inquire about passage to Cyrodiil, which was way too expensive and saw this strange creature climbing out of the water, shivering, with a fish in its mouth. It said:
  
  

  "Who sir, are you sir?" in a ridiculous accent. He introduced himself as JarJar and offered to buy me a drink as he was not allowed into the tavern unless he was accompanied by someone normal. I hadn't felt normal for a long, long time and I really needed a drink so I agreed. Now I wish I hadn't. I'm trying to get drunk and ignore this idiot who keeps going on with this gibberish about how he came to Skyrim a long time ago from a galaxy far, far away. Moron!
  
  

  Anyway, I just saw the sexy barmaid Suzannah give me a wink and head upstairs so I think I might follow her and get away from JarJar for a while...