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WIP Story; Remembrance: Chapter 1

Tags: #Story 
  • Member
    February 4, 2018

    Chapter 1:

    I didn’t know what I was at the time. All I remembered was sitting in the prison that held me for… days? Months? Years? I couldn’t tell. My whole life seemed to be in that prison. I couldn’t remember anything before.

     

    The prison was a place of darkness and decay. Imagine the worst, most depressing place you've ever been in. Now imagine it twice as bad. That was the Wailing Prison. Everywhere you could smell dead flesh and the coal from forges. Everywhere you could see that didn't have forges was riddled with worms and other sorts of insects and all around were walls that made you feel like you were boxed in. Everything was jagged and edged, spikes lined the walls, roofs, and floors. And all around was this dark, purple fog that seemed to loom over everything, making the entire place look bleak and depressed.

     

    Me and the others stuck in the prison were lorded over by creatures we called the Masters. They had dark skin and almost glowing red eyes, often wearing night black armor and weapons with some red at spots. They looked completely terrifying and were just as cruel as their appearance suggested. To them, we were known as the Slaves, because that's exactly what we were. They beat us, whipped us, killed us, and used us as playtoys for their amusement.

     

    I stayed that way for the longest time, doing what my Masters commanded of me while I subjugated to their fiery whips without hesitation, even on the events they’d kill me I’d just stand back up later just to continue to do their bidding...

     

    ...It wasn’t until one, fateful day that that changed…

     

    It was another day, I was sitting in my cell, silently awaiting the next Master that would come to torture or enslave me. The cell was a very small room with enough room for maybe 10 slaves but none of my cagemates were alive at the time. The way outside was guarded by a spiky gate with hollow openings in it that couldn't be fit through. On the other side of the room from the exit was a small fire pit, it felt comforting to sit next to and dispelled some of the gloom.

    I was sitting next to my fire and at one point I heard fighting down the hallway. I moved to my cell door to try to see what had caused the noise and an extremely tall woman ran past my cell but saw me and stopped. She looked like any other slave with her light skin and rags as clothing but she also had a large stick with a gigantic curved blade on her back.

     

    “Whoa there! Are you alright?”

     

    I was surprised by the question and didn’t know how to react. The next thing she did was pull out her weapon and I curled up into a ball, expecting death at any second. I heard a loud smash and footsteps but death didn’t come. I felt hands on my shoulders and a presence close by. When I looked up I saw the door shattered and she was bent down next to me with a combined feeling of worry and sorry on her face.

     

    ...I think she was trying to comfort me...

     

    “Don’t worry, we’ll get you out of here.” She took her hands off my shoulders and stood up. “Follow me.”

     

    The woman walked back out through the broken remains of the door. I looked on for a few seconds before standing up and following her. I followed slowly, expecting it to be a trap by my Masters to find an excuse to torment me, not that they needed one anyway, but when I stepped through the door nothing attacked or grabbed me. I continued following. When I caught up she was bent over a dead Master. She grabbed one of those blades the Masters usually have on their hips in small containers that they often stab us with when they were disappointed with us. She moved the object towards me which caused me to close my eyes and move my hands towards my face instinctually, but again death didn’t come. I moved my hands from my face a few seconds later and she was pointing the hilt at me non-threateningly with that same worried and sorry expression on her face.

     

    “Take this, its a sword.”

     

    My hand slowly reached out and grabbed the hilt of the ‘sword’. I felt something odd right then and there and my hands found their way around the sword and settled in a comfortable position, lightly gripping the handle and letting it hang in my hands but not loose enough to let it slip… it was as if they had done such a thing before.

     

    “Follow me.” She then started jogging down a nearby hallway and spoke again. “By the way, the name’s Lyris.”

     

    "Lyris" was an odd name. I had heard some of the Masters refer to each other by names that were nearly impossible to pronounce. None of us Slaves had names though so that made me even more wary of her. Lyris ran out into an open room and close by I could see some other Slaves leaning against a door, a deep crash resounding from the other side every few seconds that caused the door and the Slaves on it to shake violently. On the other side of the room was a hallway and seconds later 2 Masters ran through towards the Slaves but Lyris engaged them.

     

    I watched from a distance as Lyris fought both of them at once. Eventually, one broke off and caught sight of me. The Master walked towards me with a deathly look in his eyes.

     

    “Die slave!”

     

    When he was close he lifted his sword high up and prepared to strike down at me. I would’ve died normally but something awakened in me and I moved my blade up in time to catch his. A look of surprise washed over him and I moved my body away from his sword arm and pressed my blade downwards to push his, immediately following up with a rising slash across the torso.

     

    The Master had then fallen to the ground with black blood coming out of the slash in his chest, he didn’t get up. Seeing him in this state brought an odd feeling I had never felt before, it made me feel... good? I think I had heard some masters speak of such a thing before… joy? Yeah, I think it was joy.

     

    Eager to seek out more ‘joy’ I turned towards the other Master fighting Lyris and moved around him silently. When I felt I was at his flank I rushed forwards and grabbed his mouth as I put my blade through his back. I could hear his muffled screams behind my hand as his life rapidly drained away, this brought me more joy. When the screams had stopped and there was no more movement I removed the blade and threw his corpse to the floor, a smile across my face the entire time.

     

    Lyris had merely nodded at me and continued through the hallway they came from, I followed eagerly, wanting to kill more.

     

    The next room was full of cages containing the more mindless Slaves that had remained far too long, there was also no more Masters to kill, which disappointed me a bit but I knew there’d be more blood later. We moved towards a door at the other end of the room but before we could reach it a bright blue, transparent figure wearing a hood and cloak appeared.

     

    “The Prophet?” Lyris seemed to ask and state at the same time, she sounded surprised.

     

    “Greetings, Vestige.” Said the Prophet. “Like you, I am a prisoner in this place. You must rescue me, and I, in turn, must rescue you.”

     

    After saying that he disappeared. And Lyris spoke.

     

    “The Prophet!” Still sounding surprised as if she didn’t believe her own eyes. “He’s a prisoner here too. It was very dangerous for him to speak to you, even for a moment. He must think you can help me break him out.”

     

    “Why is he so important?” I asked. My words came out in a whisper, I was unused to speaking. Fortunately, she heard me though.

     

    “That blind old man is the only person who can help us get back home. Tamriel’s a long way from here.” Tamriel? I remember hearing that name being spoken by the other Slaves with the same reverence that the Masters speak of their own ‘Master’, and like that name it usually resulted in us being beaten or killed.

     

    “So long as there’s more Masters to kill I’ll keep helping you.”

     

    “Masters?” She sounded confused. “Is that what you call them? They’re actually called ‘Dremora’.”

     

    Dremora sounded more fitting for them. It sounded malevolent, evil.

     

    “Okay, then.” I interrupted, trying to get back on track so I could kill more ‘Dremora’. “Where to next?”

     

    “These tunnels will eventually lead us to the Tower of Eyes. That’s where we’ll find the Sentinels.”

     

    “You mean those big eye things that watch everything in that area?”

     

    “Exactly! The Sentinels are connected. If we destroy one the others will be blinded. With any luck, that will buy us the time we need to rescue the Prophet.”

     

    “Let’s move then.” I started moving, but then I stopped. A question on my mind. “First though, how did I get here?” I hoped she’d know.

     

    “You were sacrificed by a necromancer named Mannimarco to the Daedric Lord Molag Bal.” That was the name I was talking about earlier; Molag Bal. “After you died, whatever was left showed up here. They call you the Soul Shriven.”

     

    “What do you mean, ‘whatever was left’?”

     

    “You don’t have your soul. You are by all means a husk of your former self. Most Soul Shriven don’t even have memories of their previous life.” That explains why I don’t know anything outside the Prison.

     

    “Is there a way to regain my memories?”

     

    “I’m not sure, there might be. There may be a magical ritual to return them, they may come back on their own, they might never even come back, for all I know.”

     

    “Better than nothing I suppose… how did you get here then? You don't seem to be 'Soul Shriven'.”

     

    “Me and the Prophet were brought here… conventionally, if that makes any sense. But we’re still prisoners here, same as you.” She paused for a few seconds. “Come on, we should get moving.”

     

    I nodded agreement and we walked through the door.

     

    In the center of the next room was a particularly large Dremora holding a mace in his right hand and a Soul Shriven’s throat in the left. He turned his head and saw us and proceeded to throw the Soul Shriven into a spike on the other side of the room and engage us.

     

    Naturally, he went after the largest target first. He slammed his mace down towards Lyris. She sidestepped and brought her weapon upwards towards the Dremora’s face, the colossal hit connecting but only staggering him a bit, the powerful Daedric armor protecting him from significant damage.

     

    While he was stunned by the blow I ran in with agility I didn’t know I had and cut his kneecaps and ended up at his right. He winced in pain at the wound but it didn’t deter him. He brought his mace in a sweep towards me and I dodged backwards away from him, the whiff leaving his left flank exposed which Lyris took full advantage of, sending a powerful, leftward strike against his sides.

     

    The attack didn’t penetrate, unlike my Daedric blade with the ability to cut through anything, but the blow hit with such force that he staggered yet again. Unfortunately, this just made him even more angry and he quickly swung his mace, that was still at his right side, towards Lyris. She didn’t have time to dodge and so decided to parry instead but the blow knocked the weapon right out of her hands.

     

    “My axe!” She yelled. She ran off to get it leaving me facing the Dremora.

     

    I stabbed into his open right flank which caused him to once again bring his weapon over towards me. Fortunately, I predicted it and dodged under his legs and ended up behind him.

     

    Somehow, I don’t know why either, my left hand formed into a magical, 3 pronged dagger and I stabbed it into the back of his shin, leaving it there. The Dremora doubled over in pain allowing me to get a clean stab through his back, the Daedric sword in my hands cleaving into his heart.

     

    When I removed the blade he fell over and rolled onto his back and was still breathing, albeit barely. I enjoyed watching his life slowly ebb away but it wasn’t long before I wanted the kill for myself. I summoned another dagger and stuck it in his throat, finishing him off.

     

    After a few seconds I looked towards Lyris and she had a half smile-half frown on her face. In each of her hands was a piece of her axe, the blow had broken the shaft of the weapon in two.

     

    “We can fix it when we leave this place.” I said. For some reason it seemed the loss of this weapon hurt her.

     

    She looked downwards, as if considering the idea. “Maybe. Let’s just get moving.” She had put the one end of the shaft into a bag and the other end with the blade she held with a single hand as it was still an effective weapon.

     

    I nodded and we continued on. It wasn’t until now that I realized that this was a forge. Unfortunately, there was nothing that could be useful. Doubtless the remainder of the weapons that would be here were scavenged by Soul Shriven or Dremora.

     

    We walked down a hallway and entered a door. The other side led to a platform with low walls on either side that had stairs leading down to a wide open area in what seemed to be a canyon or valley. On all sides you could see walls of stone that seemed to box the place in. Everywhere you looked you’d see Soul Shriven carrying weapons and fighting Dremora and those odd, lizard looking creatures with the big heads others called “Clannfear”. The area was separated by a river cutting through the center, at the ends of these rivers were small alcoves that led into the cliff face and far above them was the blue eyes of the Sentinels.

     

    The Sentinels must have felt the door opening as one of them looked over there. Lyris and I crouched against a wall on the platform, shielding us from being seen.

     

    The light from the Sentinel’s vision sweeped the platform for any signs of life but there was nothing that it could see and it went back to sweeping the area, it quickly found another Soul Shriven and the Sentinel must have cast a spell that paralyzed him because he didn’t move and was easy prey for the Clannfear he was just fighting.

     

    Lyris and I silently made our way through the Dremora and Clannfear, hiding behind objects to avoid the Sentinel’s gaze and other fights. Near the river we found what we thought was the path to the Sentinel but it was guarded by a group of Dremora, they had prepared. I pulled Lyris into a little alcove.

     

    “I need you to stay here while I take out that Sentinel, if I am not back in a few minutes it probably means I’ve failed and you’ll need to do it yourself.” I said.

     

    “But you won’t be able to do this on your own.”

     

    “No, I think I can. It’s an odd feeling I have, like I’ve done something like this before.” I wasn’t lying, it seemed too familiar. “I’ll be back soon.” And I left before she could argue more.

     

    My first priority was getting past these Dremora. There was around 5 and I couldn’t fight them all without getting noticed. I decided to go the opposite way, a bit down the river.

     

    A ways down, hidden from our side, seemed to be a small canyon with a large amount of mining equipment. There was only a single Dremora guarding this area and he was easily and quickly dispatched. I walked to the end of the canyon and looked upwards, the cliff face seemed to lead to the area past the Dremora.

     

    I climbed up slowly, finding handholds and footholds to get up while avoiding making sound. The cliff wasn’t that tall or steep so I had little trouble getting up. At the top I realized I was right, I had ended up way behind the group and there was nothing else blocking my way.

     

    I had quickly discovered the way to the Sentinel, there was a stone path that led upwards to its platform and I followed it, there was no retaliation along the way.

     

    When I reached the Sentinel it was searching the grounds for Soul Shriven to hunt. I summoned my magical dagger and prepared to destroy it.

     

    I moved towards it and accidentally kicked over a few pebbles. The sound was small but enough to grab the Sentinel’s attention and it turned its gaze to me. I had turned my head and put my arm in front of my as if it’d do anything.

     

    I expected to be paralyzed any second now but I felt I still had control over my limbs and opened my eyes and looked towards the Sentinel. The blue light was smothered over me but I looked at my arm and it was a transparent, shadowy mass that seemed to shape itself to match the environment when he moved. I looked down and my whole body seemed to be like this too.

     

    I looked back towards the Sentinel that obviously wasn’t seeing me and it turned away seconds later. I silently moved towards it once again and once I was in range I summoned the dagger and stabbed it into the Sentinel, as a result the thing seemed to scream out loudly and it disappeared. On the other side of the area I could see the other Sentinel seem to go haywire, it started moving its vision around erratically for a few seconds before deactivating as well.

     

    I noticed that after stabbing the Sentinel my body returned to normal. However, I had slightly bigger problems. I heard running and screaming from down the path, they had that slight crackle that Dremora have when they speak.

     

    I knew I was in deep trouble if I got caught so I tried replicating that spell again, hoping it would hide me from their eyes.

     

    I attempted to cast again multiple times but it didn’t work. I still didn’t get it when the Dremora surrounded me. I stood up out of my crouch and held the sword in my hands ready for a fight.

     

    I had quickly counted 4 Dremora, which means the way here was unguarded. With luck some Soul Shriven or Lyris would come up here to aid me.

     

    The first one had lunged at me with a large claymore. I had summoned my dagger and held it upward while thrusting my sword into his stomach, catching his blade and leaving him with no defense for his stomach.

     

    Seeing their comrade fall so quickly must have sparked the others into a rage as they all attacked me almost simultaneously. I managed to block or dodge most of them but occasionally they’d connect a cut.

     

    The onslaught continued for nearly a minute and I was growing very tired. They already got a few hits in and I was wounded. I started hearing footsteps nearby. I had feared it was more Dremora and hurried to finish these ones off.

     

    I had launched a relentless assault against them, trying to keep them from attacking. However, I was too tired to continue and one managed to catch my blade and knee me in the stomach, causing me to double over.

     

    The Dremora started to kick me a few times while shouting taunts, giving me bruises and causing me to lie on the ground.

     

    They had fun with me for about 30 seconds before they decided they were done with their food. They prepared to stab me through the heart but before they could I saw a figure sprinting up the path towards the Dremora. He kicked the first one in the shins, stole his weapon, and decapitated him all in a matter of seconds.

     

    Both of the Dremora had tried attacking him simultaneously but the figure had dodged both of them and grabbed one, using him as a shield when the other tried to do a thrust and the sword ended up in the wrong abdomen. He then threw the dead Dremora towards the living one, causing them both to fall over. The figure then dropped the sword and took something off his head, it looked like a small cauldron.

     

    He walked over to the living Dremora and stepped on his arm to prevent him from grabbing his sword. He then crouched over it and proceeded to beat it to death with the object, aiming purely for the head. It moved expertly in his hands, always in motion even after a connected hit, a constant left, right, left, right, left, right. It wasn’t long until the Dremora was no longer moving under him.

     

    The figure stood up and moved towards me after putting the weapon back on his head. He leaned over me and I could see his face. He was doubtless a Soul Shriven, and seemed to be a very old one at that, his face and neck seemed to be without any meat, he looked like a skeleton with skin, he also had a long, grey beard. He wore a shirt that had a small cut down the chest that also showed his skeleton under the skin, in some parts of his clothing even his ribs were poking out.

     

    “You all right, chap?” He asked. “You look mighty beaten in. Those Daedra sure did a number on you. They’re very rude to visitors.”

     

    “I’m fine, thank you.” I tried standing up but it was difficult. The best I could do is get into a sitting position...

     

    That is, until he grabbed me under the armpit and forced me to my feet. It hurt a lot but I could manage.

     

    With my new height advantage I could see down on the ground below. The Soul Shriven were overwhelming the Daedra right now. I could also see Lyris climbing up the path towards me and the anonymous Soul Shriven.

     

    “Did you get this guy, Lyris?” I asked.

     

    She nodded.

     

    I turned towards the stranger. “I thank you for your assistance…”

     

    He seemed to jerk in shock. “Where are my manners? I am Sir Cadwell, Knight of the Court of Coldharbour, Champion of Chivalry, Defend-”

     

    “Just call him Cadwell.” Lyris interrupted.

     

    “Hmph, so rude.”

     

    “Anyway, what now Lyris?” I continued.

     

    “We need to get to the Prophet’s cell. He’s the only way we’re getting out.”

     

    “How an old, blind man can do that is quite beyond me.” Cadwell interrupted. “I rather think if there was a way out I’d have found it by now.” He turned to me. “Girl’s mad as Sheogorath’s jammies.”

     

    “Yes, I’m certain.” She stated.

     

    “Very well. I’ll escort you to the entrance to his cell. I’m heading that way anyway.”

     

    Lyris was about to say something but I cut her off. “Glad to have you, Cadwell. It’ll make me feel safer to have someone of your skills nearby.”

     

    “Oh, you mean that little event earlier? That was a mere skirmish compared to what I’ve been through. It took a bit of derring-do on your part though, going up against the Sentinel as you did. It was a bit reckless if I do say so myself. But recklessness is the better part of valor, am I right?”

     

    I just nodded, half afraid to get into extended conversation with this madman.

     

    It didn’t take long to get over to the other side of the place. There was little retaliation since the Soul Shriven were defeating the Daedra. The entrance to the Prophet’s cell was a gate leading up to a staircase. When we approached the gate was smothered in blue flames, that shaped a sort of rune. A deep voice boomed within the area.

     

    “Fools! You will never escape my realm!”

     

    “Oh dear, oh dear. Well, that is inconvenient, isn’t it?” Cadwell stated.

     

    “Cadwell, is there any other way to the Prophet’s cell.” asked Lyris.

     

    “Oh, yes. Of course. There’s always another way. This one’s much more of a scenic route. A rather fun little jaunt, actually. Full of traps, and corpses, and nasty beasties filling up the bits in between.”

     

    “Where is it?” I asked.

     

    “Follow the river. You’ll find the door to the Undercroft at the water’s end.”

     

    “Can you join us, Cadwell?”

     

    “No, I’m afraid not. This is where our paths must diverge, I’m afraid. Just remember to watch your step, hold your nose, and do mind the traps.”

     

    “Very well. Farewell, sir Cadwell. May our paths converge at better times, perhaps in Tamriel.”

     

    Then Lyris and I walked away from him, down the river. Once again, there was little retaliation. All we faced was feral Soul Shriven on our way to the Undercroft.

     

    When we got there we ran into a bit of a dilemma.

     

    “Damnit, it’s locked.” Lyris almost yelled. “I hate locks.”

     

    She pulled some lockpicks out of a bag and crouched down to pick it. After breaking 2 I spoke up.

     

    “Let me try it.”

     

    “Very well.” She said and handed the lockpicks to me. “Maybe you’ll do better, my hands are too big for those sorts of things.”

     

    I crouched down and started messing with the lock. My hands seemed to naturally pick out the tumblers and hold them in place before quickly moving to the next. The door was open in mere seconds.

     

    “Done.” I stated.

     

    Lyris seemed to look at me in disbelief until I opened the door. It took a few seconds for her to recover before walking in with me.

     

    Once inside we continued down a few narrow hallways. It wasn’t long until we found some retaliation in the form of a skeleton that was dispatched quickly. We kept moving until we came across one of these traps Cadwell was speaking of, it was a small hole in the wall that would shoot out fire for a few seconds before stopping. It was easy to bypass.

     

    A few traps and skeletons later we were at the Prophet’s cell. The room was full of rock spires which seemed quite simple, the two things that stuck out was the Prophet in a glowing orb of energy and a circular rune on the ground surrounded by two pinions that Lyris stood in front of.

     

    “Okay, the good news: it seems we’ve made it here in one piece and the Prophet is fine.” Lyris paused for a second. “Now the bad news: it’s up to you to keep him safe. I’m not going with you.”

     

    “Why not? We don’t need any heroic last stands, Lyris.”

     

    “No, it’s not that. There is a trick to opening the cell. The only way for a prisoner to leave is for another living soul to take their place. I need to swap places with the Prophet.”

     

    “So there’s no other way?” I asked.

     

    “No. I’m afraid not. I’m probably the only other person here in Coldharbour that still has a soul.”

     

    “Very well, Lyris. We will come back for you when we can.”

     

    “Thank you. Once it’s done, get moving. The Prophet will know where to go, but he’ll need your eyes, and your protection.”

     

    I nodded. She walked to the center of the rune and cast a spell on the pinions. She floated up into the air as the magic did its work.

     

    For a short while I stood paced around with my sword held loosely in my hand, ready to fight at a moment’s notice. I felt a presence behind me and elbowed them in the stomach and turned around to decapitate them. As the Dremora’s head hit the floor I noticed 2 other Dremora were following shortly behind and they rushed me.

     

    I dodged the first one’s attack and the overswing allowed me free access to his back, leading to the creature’s heart being pierced. The second had only attacked after I killed its comrade but it was too quick and I couldn’t cut her down instantly, instead I was forced into a bind and she managed to disarm me of my sword but I pushed her away a bit.

     

    Seeing that her opponent was unarmed she had gotten cocky and decided she’d do a strong, slow overhead strike to finish me off. Once again, that feeling of familiarity returned and when she was close enough I turned around and backed into her before she could strike. I then grabbed her arm and used it as a level to pull her over me and she landed on the ground with a thud and was dazed, I then proceeded to grab her own weapon and slashed her neck with it.

     

    As I was finishing up Lyris started screaming and the pinions started blazing, which I guess meant the spell was finishing. I kept watch around in case some Dremora heard her screams.

     

    When it was finished the pinions blazed with blue flame and the Prophet and Lyris rapidly flew towards each other on a collision course. I was certain they were both going to get crushed together but when they connected they changed directions as if their bodies had changed places with each other and they flew back in opposite directions, Lyris in the cage and the Prophet on the ground in front of me.

     

    “Freedom! At last.” He exclaimed almost joyously.

     

    He seemed to have trouble getting up on his own and I helped him. He looked as if he had just lifted the world off his shoulders.

     

    “Thank the Divines, you are safe! There is that, at least. Lyris sacrificed everything, that we might go free. Her sacrifice must not be in vain.”

     

    “Is there a way to take her with us?”

     

    “I wish that were possible. But I promise you, once we escape Coldharbour we will find a way to rescue her together, Vestige.”

     

    I was confused by what he called me. “Vestige?”

     

    “That is the name I have given you. You are but a trace of your former self. A soulless one. An empty vessel that longs to be filled. It is, as the Scrolls foretold, but not exactly as I imagine.”

     

    “Very well. Where to next?”

     

    “We must make haste to the anchor. It is our escape back to Tamriel. You must lead me there.”

     

    I nodded, even though he wouldn’t be able to see it. I put my hand around his shoulder and led him to the other end of the room, towards a door. Before we walked through I looked back at Lyris and whispered under my breath.

     

    “I promise, I will find a way to rescue you.”

     

    On the other side of the door was a large circular hole with chains all around it.

     

    “Is this the anchor?” I asked.

     

    “Yes, I can feel its dark energy.”

     

    We moved towards it but then we heard a deep scream and a gigantic figure of shadow rose out of the hole and spoke.

     

    “The mortal thinks it can defy me. Futile! Soon your world will be in my chains!”

     

    It sunk back into a hole as a large amount of bones from around the room started flying into a pile. This pile shortly arranged itself into the form of a skeleton giant at least twice my height. The creature then charged us.

     

    “Stay back!” I told the Prophet. “I don’t need you to die on me!”

     

    The creature quickly engaged me. It wasn’t fast but it was strong. I sidestepped a downward slam from the creature and followed up with a chop to its arm. The attack cut off some of the bones but no real significant damage was done.

     

    This routine continued for a few minutes: I dodge an attack then follow up with my own that does minimal damage. Eventually though, I made a mistake.

     

    It made another overhead smash and I thrusted into the arm but it brought its second arm to smash me. I had my sword stuck in its arm and needed to let go of it to avoid being smashed, I dodged the attack but the hand landed on the hilt, severing it from the blade. Now I was unarmed but I couldn’t fight the creature without a weapon, unlike a human-sized Dremora.

     

    I continued dodging attacks as best I could but eventually I would tire out. I needed a plan. Just then a fireball appeared and hit the creature in its face, both me and it looked to see the source. It was the Prophet, he was carrying a staff and started shooting the creature. The creature then started moving towards him.

     

    I yelled at him to run but he kept shooting, slowly backing away in an attempt to increase the amount of time it takes to get to him. After a few seconds he tripped over something and fell down. The creature bore down on him and it looked like the Prophet was going to get killed by it.

     

    At that moment something else awoke in me. It wasn’t like the combat skills or magic that came to me. This was… unfamiliar, it felt new. It felt like a great power had awoken deep inside me.

     

    I summoned one of my daggers and threw it at the creature. It took a few more to really get its attention but then it came after me.

     

    I charged up this power in my hand and it formed into a blue sphere of energy. After a few seconds I released this energy in a blue stream of energy that devoured the creature. I felt this great power rapidly leaving my body as I kept it up but the effects were so substantial that I knew this thing would be completely destroyed.

     

    The spell didn’t last long, maybe 5 seconds, but the result was spectacular. All that remained of the creature was ash, there was no bone to recreate it.

     

    I walked to the Prophet who seemed completely spooked, even he could feel the magical energy.

     

    “What was that?” He asked.

     

    “I was about to ask you that same question.” I said as I helped him stand up.

     

    “I’ll need to talk to you about it later, when we have a moment. For now we must leave this place.”

     

    I put my arm around his shoulder yet again and guided him to the anchor mooring. There was a small set of stairs leading to a small platform. The Prophet removed my arm from his shoulder when we got there.

     

    “The Dark Anchor’s portal is high above us.” He said. “I will prepare a spell to lift us to it. But first, you must re-attune yourself to Nirn in order to regain your physical form. To do this, you will need a Skyshard. If you collect and absorb its power, it should restore your corporeal form. I will summon one of these shards for you to absorb.”

     

    “Okay, let’s get out of here.”

     

    He stepped towards the mooring and prepared a ritual.

     

    “Shard of Aetherius! Fall upon us now, and anoint us with your blessing!”

     

    When he was finished speaking a part of the floor shined with blinding light which caused me to close my eyes in reaction. When I looked back a brilliant blue crystal was sitting there in its place. It looked as if it was made of pure light.

     

    I touched the Skyshard and immediately felt my body being overwhelmed with its power. For a few seconds I felt weak and vulnerable but my body quickly adjusted and I felt more powerful than before. After I had finished absorbing the energy the Skyshard no longer shone a bright blue, it was a very dull blue as I had absorbed all of its energy, seconds later it disappeared.

     

    While I was absorbing the Skyshards power the Prophet must have prepared a ritual.

     

    “Great Akatosh, Dragon God of Time, I require your strength! Let the way be opened! Let these wandering souls return home! Let the will of Molag Bal be denied!”

     

    The mooring glowed a bright blue and it looked as if gravity was being pulled upwards.

     

    “Hurry! We must go now!” The Prophet yelled as he jumped in and was pulled upwards.

     

    I heard the sounds of sprinting and I looked back. A mob of Soul Shriven were charging towards the anchor mooring, eager to be out of this place. I decided not to wait and be trampled and jumped in and was carried into the air. I was brought towards a dark purple light and was pulled into it, then I blacked out.

     

    Author's Note: Please give feedback in the comments for things I messed up such as pacing, if I explain things too much or too little, any annoying repetition I may have used, accidentally saying 'he' when it should be 'I' (sometimes I accidentally zoned out and found myself writing in 3rd person limited), inconsistencies when referring to people or objects, and anything else you think I could do to improve this. I am by no means a good writer and I have much to learn.

  • February 4, 2018

    I gave this a quick skim. I will give a detailed read during my lunch break tomorrow at work. 

    Right now, I'm noticing small paragraphs, but I know plenty of writing styles that incorporate it, so that isn't a bad thing. Like I said, a more detailed read tomorrow will yield more. 

  • February 6, 2018

    Hi, Ebon, so I had a good read of this now. 

    I stick by my initial assessment of small paragraphs. I think several of them could be fleshed out with description. 

    Right now, I think you are assuming we know things, which is great, I do, but... it doesn't gel with what you've done. 

    I really like how you make your character completely ignorant of a lot of things. However, if he was truly that way, I think the character would take the time to describe what he will later learn are dremora. Basically environmental things are what I'm predominantly missing. Colors, textures, smells. You do a nice job with describing action, but that isn't the only thing. 

    The last fight with the five dremora is a bit, how shall I say this, over-powered. But I'm a terrible person for evaluating this, really a combat writer like Karves would be someone to ask. I just don't see him defeating five armored dremora with just a sword and a dagger. 

    Watch "me and Lirys" should be "Lirys and I" 

    Finally, are you deliberately withholding his race and description? Sometimes that is done for effect, but it's not clear what your intentions are with that. 

  • Member
    February 6, 2018

    The Long-Chapper said:

    Hi, Ebon, so I had a good read of this now. 

    I stick by my initial assessment of small paragraphs. I think several of them could be fleshed out with description. 

    Right now, I think you are assuming we know things, which is great, I do, but... it doesn't gel with what you've done. 

    I really like how you make your character completely ignorant of a lot of things. However, if he was truly that way, I think the character would take the time to describe what he will later learn are dremora. Basically environmental things are what I'm predominantly missing. Colors, textures, smells. You do a nice job with describing action, but that isn't the only thing. 

    The last fight with the five dremora is a bit, how shall I say this, over-powered. But I'm a terrible person for evaluating this, really a combat writer like Karves would be someone to ask. I just don't see him defeating five armored dremora with just a sword and a dagger. 

    Watch "me and Lirys" should be "Lirys and I" 

    Finally, are you deliberately withholding his race and description? Sometimes that is done for effect, but it's not clear what your intentions are with that. 

    I'll check out all the small paragraphs and see what I can do with them.

    I never really thought of describing the little things, I guess it's because I don't pay attention in the first place. I'll see what I can do.

    As for the fight with the dremora... yeah, I think I could lessen it to 4 maybe and shorten the time he lasts against them before they beat him down. If you're referring to Cadwell he did catch them by surprise so he could technically kill them all in a short amount of time. It was a sort of joke on my part to show that he calls himself a knight for a reason.

    I'll keep the"Lyris and I" thing in mind while editing.

    I'm withholding the race because he doesn't even know what he is, as well as other reasons I won't discuss at the moment. I'll probably show it in the next chapter if I decide to post this and later you might learn why I actually withheld his race in the story.

     

  • February 6, 2018

    Ebonslayer said:

    The Long-Chapper said:

    Hi, Ebon, so I had a good read of this now. 

    I stick by my initial assessment of small paragraphs. I think several of them could be fleshed out with description. 

    Right now, I think you are assuming we know things, which is great, I do, but... it doesn't gel with what you've done. 

    I really like how you make your character completely ignorant of a lot of things. However, if he was truly that way, I think the character would take the time to describe what he will later learn are dremora. Basically environmental things are what I'm predominantly missing. Colors, textures, smells. You do a nice job with describing action, but that isn't the only thing. 

    The last fight with the five dremora is a bit, how shall I say this, over-powered. But I'm a terrible person for evaluating this, really a combat writer like Karves would be someone to ask. I just don't see him defeating five armored dremora with just a sword and a dagger. 

    Watch "me and Lirys" should be "Lirys and I" 

    Finally, are you deliberately withholding his race and description? Sometimes that is done for effect, but it's not clear what your intentions are with that. 

    I'll check out all the small paragraphs and see what I can do with them.

    I never really thought of describing the little things, I guess it's because I don't pay attention in the first place. I'll see what I can do.

    As for the fight with the dremora... yeah, I think I could lessen it to 4 maybe and shorten the time he lasts against them before they beat him down. If you're referring to Cadwell he did catch them by surprise so he could technically kill them all in a short amount of time. It was a sort of joke on my part to show that he calls himself a knight for a reason.

    I'll keep the"Lyris and I" thing in mind while editing.

    I'm withholding the race because he doesn't even know what he is, as well as other reasons I won't discuss at the moment. I'll probably show it in the next chapter if I decide to post this and later you might learn why I actually withheld his race in the story.

     

    See, I thought you had a legit reason for witholding the race, so that's totally fine then. 

    Yeah four dremora ought to be be right. 

    Yeah, these little things. Gotta think about writing as being more than seeing and fighting. Gotta smell, hear, and taste too. That is the wonderful thing about writing, you can do this on the page. Teineeva and I were just having a chat about this sort of thing in writing, how it can enhance stories when you are brought into the world. 

  • February 7, 2018

    Something about the forum's fonts/formatting that makes long posts a bit tiring to read. Digressing...

     

    tl;dr:

    - Not making full use of 1st Person Perspective.

    - Inconsistent POV voice.

    - POV errors.

    - Blank-ish scenes.

    - Boring fights.

     

    - Good character writing makes the world feel more alive.

     

    KEY NOTES:

    Narration:

    For the record, I'm not very used to 1st Person Perspective. That said, I find that this work isn't really making the use one of the greatest strengths of the 1st Person POV: the rich insight of the POV character's mind. So far, the way this entry is written is basically 3rd Person Limited with a few sprinkles of 1st Person commentary. What I'm trying to say is that I think this would be stronger if we are given more insight of the character's thoughts. You know things like battle plans ('That's one big MotherF-. Gotta be fast') or general introspection of the crazies that's going on ('Lyris No! F- the Prophet guy'). Also on the narration style, the voice is a little inconsistent. The entry starts with a poetic and melancholic voice before the later bits become more generic? plain?

     

    Speaking of the voice, it seems to me that the character has a tendency to suddenly know things when initially I get the impression that the POV character is a bit on the daft end of things. Like at the start he/she isn't familiar with the term 'sword' only to know what a 'Clannfear' is.

     

    Also there are some POV errors.  'Unfortunately, this just made him even more angry'. With 1st Person and 3rd Person Limited, the camera is locked behind the POV character and if the character doesn't know then WE won't know.

     

    Minor tense errors (past/present)

    - 'She walked to the center of the rune and cast a spell on the pinions'

     

    Scenes:

    Other than the pretty good opening establishing shot (the 'The prison was a place of darkness and decay'), I found the other scenes to be a tad bit on the bland side. Not that there is anything wrong with 1st Person mind you (If the character doesn't notice than I can close one eye and assume unreliable narrator) but it leaves me the impression that the entire sequence takes place in the prison until the river scene. Problem I have with this is that it makes me go 'Wait, did he-' and it pulls me out of the story.

     

    To steal from Lissette:

    The Long-Chapper said:

    I really like how you make your character completely ignorant of a lot of things. However, if he was truly that way, I think the character would take the time to describe what he will later learn are dremora. Basically environmental things are what I'm p

     

    Relating to POV, the character seems to just shrug at new stuff instead of going 'What's this?'. Missed opporunity to build character with some internal thoughts *wink*

     

    Fight Scenes/Stakes:

    The rule of thumb when writing fight scenes is not to write them blow-by-blow because unlike visual mediums, there are only so many times you can say 'He punched him' before it gets boring. That said, I do like blow-by-blow when it gets the technical aspects right (Matt Stover) but that's the exception and not the rule. Anyway, like I said before I think the fight scenes are a missed opporunity in fleshing out the character.  Also, the Dremora get less menacing as the story goes by (They die faster) and it removes quite a bit of the stakes and thus the tension if that was what you were going for.

     

    FYI: I'm also a blow-by-blow fight scene writer.

     

    Thumbs Up stuff: (DONT LET IT GO TO YOUR HEAD)

    I like Ser Cadwell and this interactions with the POV and Lyris because he gives the impression of history (His life doesn't revolve around the main plot; he has shit to do; he shares insiders with Lyris). Remember, great character's stories don't begin on page one and while you as a writer don't have to show us what this history is, giving us an illusion is good enough to make the world feel alive.

     

    Dialogue can get a bit stilted at times (Take this, its a sword (No shit)) but is generally fine. Even without character tags I can tell who's talking so that's nice.

     

    NITPICKS: (NOTE: These are things that only I care about)

    'I summoned my magical dagger' is a mouthful and there's a lot of 'summon dagger' that it comes across as awkward to me.

     

    Armour is seemingly useless:

    The characters go through armour like it was nothing. IRL, Plate Armour more or less made you invincible and if armour really was that weak then why even bother. I get the impression that the weapons are Daedric but so is the armour. Why carry around weapons that can hurt you in a prison?

     

    Bad Sword Techniques:

    Swords are not bludgeons. It looks like a running gag when everyone who does an overhead strike (Generally unecessary on unarmoured opponent/hell even armoured opponents which you shouldn't be using sword) dies horribly. Also character tend to overcommit when swinging a sword. With a sword, all it takes is a flick of the wrist to kill someone, assuming they are unarmoured.

     

    Vestige:

    I personally find 'Vestige' to be a bit too much on the nose for a name but I'm sure you can make it work.

     

    Language:

    What language are they talking in (Common/Daedric) because everyone seems to understand each other just fine.

  • Member
    February 7, 2018

    Delta said:

    Something about the forum's fonts/formatting that makes long posts a bit tiring to read. Digressing...

     

    tl;dr:

    - Not making full use of 1st Person Perspective.

    - Inconsistent POV voice.

    - POV errors.

    - Blank-ish scenes.

    - Boring fights.

     

    - Good character writing makes the world feel more alive.

     

    KEY NOTES:

    Narration:

    For the record, I'm not very used to 1st Person Perspective. That said, I find that this work isn't really making the use one of the greatest strengths of the 1st Person POV: the rich insight of the POV character's mind. So far, the way this entry is written is basically 3rd Person Limited with a few sprinkles of 1st Person commentary. What I'm trying to say is that I think this would be stronger if we are given more insight of the character's thoughts. You know things like battle plans ('That's one big MotherF-. Gotta be fast') or general introspection of the crazies that's going on ('Lyris No! F- the Prophet guy'). Also on the narration style, the voice is a little inconsistent. The entry starts with a poetic and melancholic voice before the later bits become more generic? plain?

     

    Speaking of the voice, it seems to me that the character has a tendency to suddenly know things when initially I get the impression that the POV character is a bit on the daft end of things. Like at the start he/she isn't familiar with the term 'sword' only to know what a 'Clannfear' is.

     

    Also there are some POV errors.  'Unfortunately, this just made him even more angry'. With 1st Person and 3rd Person Limited, the camera is locked behind the POV character and if the character doesn't know then WE won't know.

     

    Minor tense errors (past/present)

    - 'She walked to the center of the rune and cast a spell on the pinions'

     

    Scenes:

    Other than the pretty good opening establishing shot (the 'The prison was a place of darkness and decay'), I found the other scenes to be a tad bit on the bland side. Not that there is anything wrong with 1st Person mind you (If the character doesn't notice than I can close one eye and assume unreliable narrator) but it leaves me the impression that the entire sequence takes place in the prison until the river scene. Problem I have with this is that it makes me go 'Wait, did he-' and it pulls me out of the story.

     

    To steal from Lissette:

    The Long-Chapper said:

    I really like how you make your character completely ignorant of a lot of things. However, if he was truly that way, I think the character would take the time to describe what he will later learn are dremora. Basically environmental things are what I'm p

     

    Relating to POV, the character seems to just shrug at new stuff instead of going 'What's this?'. Missed opporunity to build character with some internal thoughts *wink*

     

    Fight Scenes/Stakes:

    The rule of thumb when writing fight scenes is not to write them blow-by-blow because unlike visual mediums, there are only so many times you can say 'He punched him' before it gets boring. That said, I do like blow-by-blow when it gets the technical aspects right (Matt Stover) but that's the exception and not the rule. Anyway, like I said before I think the fight scenes are a missed opporunity in fleshing out the character.  Also, the Dremora get less menacing as the story goes by (They die faster) and it removes quite a bit of the stakes and thus the tension if that was what you were going for.

     

    FYI: I'm also a blow-by-blow fight scene writer.

     

    Thumbs Up stuff: (DONT LET IT GO TO YOUR HEAD)

    I like Ser Cadwell and this interactions with the POV and Lyris because he gives the impression of history (His life doesn't revolve around the main plot; he has shit to do; he shares insiders with Lyris). Remember, great character's stories don't begin on page one and while you as a writer don't have to show us what this history is, giving us an illusion is good enough to make the world feel alive.

     

    Dialogue can get a bit stilted at times (Take this, its a sword (No shit)) but is generally fine. Even without character tags I can tell who's talking so that's nice.

     

    NITPICKS: (NOTE: These are things that only I care about)

    'I summoned my magical dagger' is a mouthful and there's a lot of 'summon dagger' that it comes across as awkward to me.

     

    Armour is seemingly useless:

    The characters go through armour like it was nothing. IRL, Plate Armour more or less made you invincible and if armour really was that weak then why even bother. I get the impression that the weapons are Daedric but so is the armour. Why carry around weapons that can hurt you in a prison?

     

    Bad Sword Techniques:

    Swords are not bludgeons. It looks like a running gag when everyone who does an overhead strike (Generally unecessary on unarmoured opponent/hell even armoured opponents which you shouldn't be using sword) dies horribly. Also character tend to overcommit when swinging a sword. With a sword, all it takes is a flick of the wrist to kill someone, assuming they are unarmoured.

     

    Vestige:

    I personally find 'Vestige' to be a bit too much on the nose for a name but I'm sure you can make it work.

     

    Language:

    What language are they talking in (Common/Daedric) because everyone seems to understand each other just fine.

    I'll take what you said to heart next time I edit it. Especially the fight scenes.

     

    I'll admit, this is my first time actually writing something so my POV game is kinda (very) weak. I tried using 3rd person limited but I noticed I focused too much on the fighting anyway so I moved to 1st person.

     

    I was thinking it was kinda inconsistent at some parts while writing this. I'll try to make it more common (for instance, not only getting rid of clannfear but he also likely wouldn't know what a dagger is either).

     

    I sorta like the blow-by-blow scenes. I don't really think the Dremora die faster as the story goes on because have you noticed how fast the first Dremora went? A bit of cockyness on a seemly weak and useless prisoner put him on the ground seconds later. The way I see it, mistakes are punished. The only Dremora that take a while to kill are the one at the forge (who I tried to convey as a sort of tough mini-boss) and the ones who gang up on him at the Sentinel. I'll admit, the unarmed part with the Dremora might have been a little much but I think that was my attempt at trying to put in some suspense, I think it could actually work with a little editing.

     

    As for Sir Cadwell, I was actually a bit worried about him. I was trying to make him come out as some random mad knight who Lyris knows and managed to temporarily enlist the aid of. I thought I'd fail miserably but it managed to somehow work.

     

    Knowing who was speaking at any one time was actually one of the few things I was confident about while writing this. I figured it was always understandable. I had Lyris say it was a sword because he wouldn't know what a sword was and I didn't want to say "bladed weapon" through the entire chapter.

     

    Yeah, the "summoning dagger" thing may be a bit much now that you mention it. Not sure how else I could word it though without taking out the dagger.

     

    As for the weakness of armor; I take off of Morrowind's general idea which is only silver, enchanted, or daedric weapons can pierce daedric armor. Seeing as daedra are likely leagues above every mortal race in terms of smithing weapons and armor and they need some way to kill each other I just assume a daedric weapon can cut through just about everything. Have you noticed that Lyris's axe didn't do shit against the big Dremora's armor?

     

    The bad sword techniques I blame on Dremora because they're Dremora, they are too cocky and think nothing is a match for their ferocity. On the other hand, I do try to give the character some decent skill with a sword.

     

    Also, 'Vestige' actually wasn't my choice, it was the choice of ESO. That's what the game actually calls you during the main quest (though everyone else calls you the hero of [insert last city you saved here]). I might be giving him a name later on but until then he will be known by a multitude of titles.

     

    As for the language, most Daedra seem to know how to speak in Tamrelic so that's what I have them speak in. I know the protagonist probably shouldn't understand Tamrelic seeing as he's lost his memory but sometimes you gotta sacrifice realism for story, nobody (including myself) would like it if he had to go through the process of learning how to understand people again. It'd also make 1st person a chore without using a past tense the entire time (which I actually considered a bit).