@Spotted: I'll have the stuff round Firdas.

@Lisette: I'll see it done by Sundas by I must finish Draft 5 first.

[blockquote][b][url=/profile/Delta]Delta[/url] said:[/b]

@Lisette: I'll see it done by Sundas by I must finish Draft 5 first.

[/blockquote]

No worries. While my chapters for Part 2 tend to be shorter than those of Part 1, they are still Long-Chappas! :D *rolls eyes at own stupid joke*

Scene 1 - The Forge

On Scene 1 of my Chapter 10 review: Oengul’s Forge, I mentioned that I liked the shield forging scene – I just have a thing for the characters I read/watch/play as to have something they do to relax/understand which I especially enjoy because it makes me emphatise with them as someone more than a character in a story; they become people. That said, I don’t think it’s a magic bullet to make the story better nor is it on my checklist for ‘bes storeh eva’ but it is something I appreciate.

 

Also, I like forging scenes but with the caveat they better get it right. Don’t give me nonsense with reforging broken swords or casting blades – I can tolerate them but points when the smithy is doing his job proper!

 

But onto the dialogue itself.

 

I have a general policy or habit, if you will of not mentioning things that are... competent? In the sense that I don’t feel the need to point out what works because if it works fine, I won’t notice it. On to this scene, the beats are fine and the dialogue flows smoothly – as it should.

 

If that sounds like faint praise, it isn’t. On my to-do list on writing, mastering the absolute fundamentals such as beats is always on the top of my mind because I know what happens if I mess it up.

 

Scene 3 – Windhelm Docks

 

Now this is where Legend of the Skaal flexes its drama muscles and I were to be so bold, I’d even say that the first ten chapters were building up to this moment: when the brothers finally part ways.

 

I appreciated the repeated motif of their equipment: the shield with the older Kjeld; axes and arrows for the younger Reidar. In fact, for the former his intro is about the shield. Fun little detail if it was intentional and if not, it’s still a nice detail.

 

Dialogue beats are fine as before so nothing more to add there.

Song of the Faithful Critique

Chapters 4 - 5

Vigilants of Stendarr

Part V

First sentence has clunky wording.

Falrielle looked out the boarded window and winced – the last light of dusk was still too bright for her eyes but it was to her relief, growing dark for the torchbugs have come out to play.

Clunky wording again.

Sven too drew a sword, an Imperial sword at that that had seen much action in the war.

‘Now,’ said Falrielle as she distributed the remaining vials. ‘This is the Dead Man’s Kiss.’ Gideon groaned.

Second dialogue line belongs to Gideon or Falrielle?

She could hear him quivering in his boots.

Curious about what she’s actually hearing. Is it his breathing? His heartbeat? Is he trembling so hard that there’s an actual noise being produced?

The boy took the vial and stared at the vial.

Vial used twice in the same sentence like this feels amateurish.

I really liked the ritual aspect of this. Falrielle testing Sven made this more interesting than just a simple ‘preparation’ scene. Sets the atmosphere nicely for the following part.

Part VI

Nice and atmospheric in the opening.

Noticed a wrong word usage:

Sven was close to her, she was to keep watch over him while Gideon was a little further to the front on lookout for their query.

The right word is quarry, ‘any object of pursuit, search, or attack’, not query.

She knew she did not have to worry about making noise, Gideon’s over engineered fire runes would cover them but old habits die hard.

Needs a hyphen for over-engineered!

Overall Part VI was a cool look at how the vigilants operate in a combat setting. I have to admit, I did not expect the wrestling moves from Falrielle, and it was jarring on my first readthrough. I did cheer when she clocked that Bann in the face. There’s just something really satisfying for me about punching a monster - especially if a badass woman gets to do it. ;)

The last big paragraph of Part VI felt somewhat clunky. Could be a style difference but I prefer tighter, shorter sentences for action-and-reaction sequences. It’s hard to avoid some play-by-play with action scenes, though.

Falrielle drove her knife in the creature’s neck and twisted. Surprised by the attack, the Bann’s grip loosened, dropping the elf. Seeing her opening, Falrielle gave the vampire a swift boot to the gut sending the creature keeling over.

The banter was fun in this chapter. Given Sven’s newbie status, I was fully expecting something terrible to happen to him. Pleasantly surprised that it didn’t, though I also wonder how this chapter plays into the overall story. It was a hell of a fight, but I’m not sure what it did for the story yet.

Part VII

The court was silent. Not a cough nor a whisper. Only the hearth crackled.

I can both hear and visualize this scene. Nice! Nothing says ‘we’re very good at our job’ quite like a bloody sack of monster heads.

In addition to cash, the Vigilants of Stendarr shall also receive a boon.’

Cash feels like such a modern word, it threw me out of the story a little.

The chapter could use a proofread. I saw one or two spelling errors and some missing articles (a, the, an).

Concluding Thoughts:

Enjoyed the ending of the chapter. The concept of Conduits - is this more creative license or based in some Elder Scrolls lore I’ve never heard before? Very curious to see where this goes.

Also I’m beginning to suspect that Morthal’s patronage to the Vigil is why Morthal ends up so poor in Skyrim’s current time period. xD Looking at all the pieces of this segment of Song of the Faithful, I can see now why this fight was important; it secured them the patronage they needed after the falling out with The Pale. Was this Falrielle’s plan all along?

If Falrielle, Sven and Gideon are going to be a trio the story continues to revolve around, I’d love to see more character development for the other two. For the last two parts, Sven & Gideon feel a little like set pieces to be moved by Falrielle. Looking forward to the next adventure.

I had some trouble finding the parts on your ToC. The first part is linked on the ToC, but parts II to VII are only linked at the bottom of each part, not on the main page. Just a tiny bit of nitpicking on my part.

Disclaimer: I am NOT an expert on Grammar or story craft, so please take my critiques with a grain of salt. It is never meant to be a personal attack, and if anything comes off as such, please let me know. I'm happy to answer any specific questions you might have, Delta.

@Delta

Thanks again, Delta! The positive feedback really helped. I do wish I'd known about your policy/habit earlier! xD I wasn't sure if I was doing anything right in terms of story mechanics or character, or it just wasn't worth mentioning. You've given me a lot of stuff to think about, and it's tremendously helpful! (You can just call me Fawn, btw)

The critique does not have to continue after Chapter Ten, as I would like to review and revise Unblooded and the following chapters before I tackle the rest of it! I am 100% onboard to keep critiquing Song of the Faithful, though! And I can try to give my first impressions and thoughts on anyone else's work if they'd like to set it on the hot seat. :)

@Lissette

Going to dive back into reading Straag Rod again! Thanks for the timeline link, it'll help me remember everything I've forgotten since my last read-through. xD Whoops. In my defense, you've written a behemoth of a story. Keep a pot of tea on for me, I'll try to catch up soon. About 11 or 12 chapters to go! (I have Chapter XXX as the last one I bookmarked)

@Fawn: Thanks for taking the time to read and review VoS. I'll check it out later.

This bit is written before I started reading Straag Rod: Book 1, Part 2, Prelude and here are my expectations for what I’m about to read.

-        Judging from the title, SR:B1P2 is the sequel to P1 which is an adaptation of TESV’s main campaign. P1 ended right at the point when the Greybeards call out the Aelberon/Dragonborn.

-        P2 is written for fans of Skyrim who are deeply familiar with the lore.

-        SR is an epic.

Be aware that I have not finished P1 and I am relying on abridged information via the Timeline to fill in the blanks. Hope that provides an understandable framework on how I will be looking at SR:B1P2.

Prelude

Opening lines are fine but it’s not the strongest of hooks. I appreciated the repetition of ‘introspection’ – it sounded awkward at glance but I’d argue that it’s meant to be awkward, Rynandor, the POV character is lying to himself and is feeling awkward. So that’s pretty good on establishing Rynandor’s character within the first paragraph.

 

Descriptions are pretty good in building the scene on what I interpret as a tired but fond past that is nostalgia. I am probably reading way too much into the eagles but the triviality of that just works for me as the ‘little things’ moment – not the fate of the world or impending doom but the fun little trivia of everyday life (Like you have to kick your car in a certain way to get it started, etc.).

 

On the dialogue, the beats are fine but I will criticise the prevalence of Said Bookisms in this chapter. Stylistic choices aside, it gives me the impression that Straag Rod doesn’t trust its dialogue (Which is pretty good at places) to do the talking. That’s not to say I don’t appreciate some bookisms just that I find that it’s used too much in this chapter.

 

Okay so this is the prologue chapter and this sets me up some additional expectations on what I’m going to read in Straag Rod Part 2:

-        Some plot elements on the Snow Elves?

-        The trance which I’ll break it down more later for my analysis.

-        The standard is a McGuffin.

@Fawn: Righto although I will still be making my notes.

On Song of the Faithful; I have something coming up but the rope is you will need to be familiar with Something to Prove (Well optimally everything but if I had to pick) for it to work. So mind skipping to that first on the reading list?

@Delta

Bookmarked! I will jump ahead to Something to Prove. Hoping to get a critique of that for you by Friday. :) Feel free to prod me if I forget.