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Rewriting - The Phantom Menace

    • 278 posts
    December 29, 2017 7:42 AM EST

    - Rewriting -

    The Phantom Menace
    -

    The Phantom Menace is without a doubt the weakest, worst and least interesting of the Star Wars films. It sticks out as a beacon of terrible quality in the world of abhorrent movies that is the Prequel Trilogy, its shining light of darkness being that of everyone's least favourite Gungan, Jar Jar Binks. Saying his name makes me think about joining the Stormcloaks I'm so angry. If his kind invaded Skyrim, I would be among the first to push them out with blood and screams of defiance and mid-level racism upon my axe and my tongue. And so, with all of this out of the way, let's get into the meaning of this. Let's rewrite The Phantom Menace.

    -

    Part One - Invasion of Naboo 

     Master Liam Neeson and Padawan Decent Obi-Wan Kenobi find themselves aboard a Trade Federation cruiser intent on negotiating with Nute Gunray, O Trade Federation Officer of Ridiculious Names, for the release of their blockade around the planet of Naboo. Of course because this isn't a political thriller - its a piece of garbage - negotiations don't take place. Instead, as always happens in the Prequel Trilogy, anything is solved with violence and after slaughtering many droids without raising a sweat, Liam Neeson and Redhead Rat's Tail Kenobi are trapped in a gunboat - ship? - sent for Naboo. The vehicle arrives on the planet's surface and they break free  and kill more droids. Suddenly, they see a hapless and ridiculously disgusting creature about to be ran over by another gunboat/ship but before they can help, the gunboat/ship kills the creature. As he dies, he cries out 'Meesa happy!' before fading into the oblivion of ashes. They ignore the creature, but Redhead Kenobi and Liam Neeson can't help but feel a great relief in the force with the death of the creature, continuing onwards they find themselves in Theed with Princess Amidala, where they fight the droids off some more. Switch to Coruscant, where Darth Maul and Darth Sidious have a detailed conversation about Maul's backstory because he is the most interesting character in the movie then switch ominously back to Redhead Kenobi, Natalie Portman not in skintight white suit with sexy rips and Liam Neeson with long hair. They make their escape to Tatooine in a shiny ship that is really boring and not particularly interesting. 

    -

    Part Two - Tatooine

    They land on Tatooine, where they find out that their battery/emitter/stone tablet ting isn't working. They need to go into town to fix it, of course so they head in with still sexy Natalie Portman now dressed as her aide for the millionth time - is she even the real queen? - as well as Kenobi and Neeson. While they're visiting, they meet a blue elephant flying man who says they can have it for a certain amount of money, which they don't have. He offers that if they can win a podrace where he can collect bet winnings, he will give it to them for free but none of them can podrace. Suddenly, a young boy with brown hair walks in the room, where he announces despondently, 'I can podrace, but my master won't let me.' The elephant man goes 'If you can win this, I'll set you free! You'll never win, especially since you don't have a pod!' Determined to prove the elephant man wrong, the boy takes the strangers home. He isn't aware that he will soon have a baby with sexy Natalie Portman, be brothers/be-killed-by Redhead Kenobi and will have no connection with Liam Neeson whatsoever. He shows them around, including a droid he's been building from spare parts he nicked from the store. He hates the elephant man and tries to make his life as miserable as he makes theirs and tells them the droid is C3P0 - one day he'll be gold! - he says. Natalie Portman asks the boy quietly 'do you even have a podracer?' to which he replies, 'There is an old junked one near the scrapyard. If I could steal the parts, Watto'd never know it's missing. But I can't lug stuff that heavy around.' Luckily, Redhead and Neeson take it unknowingly, where Anakin assembles it. Soon, the day of the podrace comes and Anakin wins after a long and arduos race. Claiming the money, he promptly gives it to the strangers and accompanies them home to their ship, after wishing his mother fond farewells. As they prepare to leave the sandy planet, a Sith Lord attacks them on a speeder. He has an intense dual with Redhead Kenobi in which he overpowers him easily. Neeson force pulls him back aboard and they fly safely away, back to Coruscant. There, still-sexy Natalie meets with Palpatine, who in no way gives away stupid clues to his being a Sith and they have a Senate meeting and it's all very boring so it goes quickly. While we're there Anakin is very strong with space magic and midi-chlorians are retarded. While we're there, we see those two Sith have another conversation, this time focused on Maul's mission and how he can best accomplish it. He promises to bring back the heads of the three of them - the Senator, the Redhead, and the one who looks like that guy from Taken. The team of Natalie, Ewan Kenobi, Liam Neeson and Not-As-Whiny-As-Hayden-Christensen-But-Still-Whiny make their way back to Naboo. 

    -

    Part Three - the Retaking of Naboo 

    Portman has a flash idea - the Gungan peoples would be suffering too, so she calls a meeting announcing that both peoples of the Naboo must come together to fight the droids. They meet a secret place, where the Gungans agree after strained agreements. They form up on a plain outside of Theed, against the amassed droid forces. They have no hope of winning, save unless some incredibly skilled pilot not a lucky ten year old destroys the mainframe for the droids so yes they hold out hope. They fight off the droids while Natalie, Anakin, Obi-Red and Neeson Jinn return to the hangar. There, they are greeted by a demonic figure with a double bladed lightsabre. He gives no monologue, instead chasing them down with terrifying acrobatics. Hiding behind a wall, Anakin stays safe as the fighters launch for the sky. Natalie runs away to do essentially nothing and Obi-Red and Liam Neeson fight off Maul, who easily overpowers them both. He forces them down the hall into a main room full of flickery lights and stuff. His terrifying acrobatics make for an intense and visually gorgeous battle and eventually he pushes Liam Neeson into a small room. Swipe transition to Padme's black guard who is now in a starfighter. He makes his way into the droid ship and destroys the mainframe, shutting down the droids permanentally. Thank God he had been trained and not just lucky. Liam Neeson can't beat Maul and is killed but Redhead Obi-Wan succesfully overpowers him, but Maul destroys his lightsaber before the finishing blow. Launching into a successive attack with the Force, Obi-Wan pushes Maul down a chute, but he gets the feeling he'll see him again soon...

    -

    And that's the Phantom Menace rewritten.

     


    This post was edited by Wulfhedinn at December 29, 2017 7:44 AM EST
    • 278 posts
    December 29, 2017 7:44 AM EST

    Just in case you didn't get it, bold is for what's been changed.

    • 1467 posts
    December 29, 2017 7:57 AM EST

    Man, there's a couple of really good Youtube Series based on rewriting the prequels. Lemme just, hunt down those links.

    What if the Prequels Were Good? by Belated Media

    The Phantom Menace - What it Should Have Been by BanditIncorperated

    Watched both of these recently (for the second time) and they're probably my favourite take on how the prequels should've been done. Very detailed, very interesting and they don't entirely shit on the Prequels like I've seen other channels do (and yeah, there's a fair amount of hate that I think should be given...lots of it really).

    I like that you've basically taken Anikan out of PM though, I know that the idea was that he'd basically be a Super Jedi, but honestly, the way he was used in the latter half makes no sense. Keeping him out of that final battle would probably tone down any real chance he has of developing an ego, make him more bearable looking forward and makes sense. That final bit is minor, because you know 'Space Magic' but I like it :)

     

    My changes would honestly be more focused...well shit, I don't know. I'd skip out everything Pre-Naboo to be honest because it's all boring. Actually what I'd probably do is skip over the entire (ridiculous) notion that nobody would be able to learn about the blockade, and Naboo would essentially be the first battle in the Clone Wars...or a precursor really, since there'd be no Clones and no Seperatists, but I'd set it up so the Jedi are going there to actually help lead the resistance against the Trade Federation, rather than the war being one big "OOPS, didn't mean to stumble into that" Kind of remove any of the Coruscant stuff, have Anikan be a kid on Naboo. So the whole movie would probably take place on Naboo, with maybe a scene or two regarding the Jedi Council or Senate, nothing major but just enough to set up Palpatine a little more, and of course Mace/Yoda...The others (and yes I could name a good number, they're just 'the others' as far as the movies are concerned).

     

    • 558 posts
    December 29, 2017 10:23 PM EST
    Ahmed Best is probably one of the best actors in SW period, so I completely disagree with killing off his character so early. The other changes aren't as offensive, but they wouldn't really make me like the film more.
    • 278 posts
    January 2, 2018 6:50 AM EST
    Gollum said:
    Ahmed Best is probably one of the best actors in SW period, so I completely disagree with killing off his character so early. The other changes aren't as offensive, but they wouldn't really make me like the film more.


    Please take the time to rewatdh anything with Jar Jar in it then give me your opinion. Thanks.
    • 558 posts
    January 8, 2018 5:26 PM EST

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lMZHBeaMmME

    Pretty good.

    • 558 posts
    January 24, 2018 1:02 AM EST
    Here is a defense of midichlorians I typed on another site:

    In a conversation with another member, I realized that midichlorians basically fixed a plot hole dating back to Star Wars 77.

    Go back to 1977. Darth Vader, the masked villain with the power to choke people with a magical power.

    Luke Skywalker, the nobody farmboy. He meets an old Jedi named Kenobi who teaches him the ways of the force, which turn out to be vital for winning the attack on the death star.

    Wait, wait, wait. If a whiny loser can learn the force, then certainly a super soldier Stormtrooper can, too? It would make sense that they should. It improves accuracy (Use the force, Luke) and the force choke could be useful in ground combat. But, despite being led by the powerful Darth Vader, nobody else gets taught the ways of the force for... reasons. A few officers dismissed the force, but Vader even showed them how powerful it was. In what world does a military not use the most effective means available (ours, but for less than a century)? The Empire even built the most powerful WMD ever seen, so they aren't afraid of being the superior military.

    Well, Luke destroys the DS with the help of the force (to everybody's knowledge due to not using the targeter). The rebels won thanks to the force. Imagine if Luke had taught all the rebels how to use this magical power that old Kenobi had taught him. Well, it was never even mentioned, because... reasons.

    Well, now we know why. Some people just aren't force sensitive due to having a lower midichlorian count. Some people are lucky enough to be born with a high midi-count and some aren't. Also, force-sensitivity always had a genetic component. Out of everybody in the OT, almost half of Force-sensitives are Skywalkers.

    Midichlorians were damage control that explained why some people could learn the ways of the force and some couldn't. I don't see any negatives that midichlorians brought at all. They were even thematically relevant to TPM (symbiosis).
    • 1441 posts
    January 24, 2018 1:10 AM EST
    Great job
    • 1467 posts
    January 24, 2018 2:20 AM EST

    My problem with midichlorians is more based on the fact that they make the force something that can be easily measured rather than the fact that it's a way to know if someone is Force Sensitive. I'd have no problems with the idea of being able to sense that someone was Force Sensitive (though I think it'd be better if it weren't done with technology and instead the Force), but because it's also used as a way to measure the power/potential power of a Force Sensitive, it kind of makes the idea a lot less useful seeming to me.

    I mean, part of the problem there stands from the fact that in the OT, it was made pretty clear that control of the force was more about your mental state, belief, and a lot of more... ambiguous factors rather than having more 'Mana' than others. Yoda was able to do things far beyond what Luke could do because he was perfectly in balance with nature, himself and the Force. Luke wasn't and thus had a lot of issues doing stuff.

    There's even the whole thing with the X-Wing, where it wasn't because Luke was weak, but because he was limited by the fact that he thought it should be harder to move, and thus it was. The Dark Side was a little less focused on, but it still had a sense of needing a certain frame of mind. To use Force Choke or Lightning you had to want to cause pain, or even convince yourself that you hated whoever you were hurting. 

    Does that make sense? For me the Midichlorians marked a very different feel to the force from between the OT and the Prequels, where it turned from something very...deep into being basically Magic, only now you got MP to power your spells. 

    • 1441 posts
    January 24, 2018 2:22 AM EST
    So from mysterious space magic to Cast from MP
    • 558 posts
    January 24, 2018 10:16 AM EST

    Apparently midichlorian count isn't that important, seeing as how Anakin was nothing more than an average Jedi in the prequels, and got beat twice (Count Dooku and Darth Tyranus). 

     

    I think it's less about mana and more about potential. Anakin had the potential to be great, but he was an average combatant with some deep personality issues. But I don't really know. All I know is that midichlorians only had an impact on Anakin's personality (mainly indirectly) rather than his prowess in the force.

     

    • 1441 posts
    January 24, 2018 10:18 AM EST
    Count Dooku is Tyranus
    • 558 posts
    January 24, 2018 1:11 PM EST
    I meant to type Obi Wan and Count Dooku. That is really odd.
  • Mr.
    • 763 posts
    January 25, 2018 11:10 PM EST

    I remember reading an answer on Quora - since the Last Jedi came out it seems like my feed was taken over by Star Wars, with the occasional Matthew Bates showing up here and there - that claimed it was impossible to change The Phantom Menace (or at least its main plot points) without having to rewrite the entire prequel trilogy. The writer made a compelling case. If I find it, I'll post a link to it here.