Lucy's Journal #16: I Didn't Mean to Turn You On

• Posted by Piper Jo December 24, 2011 - 647 views

  30^th of Heartfire, 4E 201

  I’m on the road to Kynesgrove with Delphine, my mysterious “friend” that first told me about Lost Tongue Overlook.  Turns out she’s the last living member of an order of knights that protects Dragonborns.  So much is happening that I don’t think I’ll be able to write about it all, not that I ever have.  But let me quickly summarize the last couple of days:

  After Lost Tongue Overlook, Lydia and I went back to Riften to get paid and tell Maven to go to hell.  I met Sapphire for the first time, and convinced her to lay off Shadr.  It felt good to give something back to someone in Riften who was suffering under the Thieves Guild boot.  And Shadr reminds me of my Da—just in looks, really. Sapphire, on the other hand, what a mystery she is!  I wonder if I will ever get the full story of her name.

  Also spoke to Brynjolf, who wanted me to investigate their traitor in Solitude and find out what he was up to.  The question was so interesting it almost drew me back in, but I reminded myself that I wanted nothing more to do with the Guild and I left town to find the horn of Jurgen Windcaller. 

  I killed a dragon in Morthal with the help of the town guards (but not before it had torched a house), beat up the town braggart, and then discovered that the horn had already been taken by my supposed “friend.”  Thus, my search for the horn brought me back to Riverwood, which almost feels like coming home these days.  And that’s how I met Delphine.

  While I was in Riverwood, I visited the Standing Stones again.  My thought was that if I was going to be a fulltime dragon slayer, then the Thief was probably not my best patron.  I was probably better off seeking the blessing of the Warrior.  I’d thought this out ahead of time, but when I got there, I still found myself hesitating.  I wondered if I was being untrue to my Da.  But then I remembered that In his youth, he’d never expected to be a thief at all; he’d been a caravan guard. That thought made me feel better.  I wasn’t being untrue to him, just paying homage to a part of him I’d never known.

  When I put my hand on the stone, though, it wasn’t my Da that came to mind—it was Durz gro-Ushal, Durz and my unknown birth parents, who died as Imperial soldiers in the High Rock Troubles.  I’ve always had ambivalent feelings about them, because of the sufferings of my adoptive parents, but it did seem that their skills would be the ones I needed while fighting dragons.  I wish I knew more about them.  I wish I knew their names, their family history, their reasons for fighting…

  I miss Durz.  I wonder where he went after he escaped.  From what I’ve heard, he escaped separately from the others.  It was his men that busted him out, but he couldn’t have rejoined the Legion, right?  So did he go home to Orsinium?  Skyrim is a hard place to be a foreigner on the run.  Did he change his name?  Is he kicking ass somewhere as hired muscle? Is he hurt? I wish I knew.  But that sends my thoughts back down the road of guilt and loneliness. I can’t think about my old friends.  I need to focus on dragon slaying.

  Unfortunately, there's one other thing that happened while I was in Riverwood that is making it really hard to concentrate on the mission.  I stopped in at the Traders and talked to the Lucan and Camilla.  Camilla was very friendly with me.  I finally asked her if she was interested in me, and she said, “Why yes, who wouldn’t be?”

  I was overwhelmed.  It’d be so nice to have a lover.  It would help fill the gaping hole in my heart left by my family and friends.  And frankly, I’ve never thought anyone would be interested in me, except maybe an orc, and other than Durz, I’ve never met an orc I would allow to touch me.  And Durz never did. 

  So, I think I told her I was interested too.  OK, ok, I did tell her that.  And before I knew what was happening, she was telling everyone we were going to get married, and giving me a list of things to do, first of which was to go talk to the priestesses of Mara to arrange the wedding.

  Wedding!  I walked out of the Traders in a sort of panic, not sure what I wanted.  I needed time to think, and I couldn’t get it while I was in Riverwood, because Delphine and I were discussing and planning, and every time I stepped out of those sessions, Camilla was there, eager to spend more time with me.  I told Delphine I wanted to leave right away. 

  So here we are on the road, and I’m trying to sort out what I’ve done.  I’m not really interested in Camilla.  It’s not that she’s not pretty or nice enough, but that’s not really enough to make me interested in someone.  If I’m going to bind myself to a lover like that, I’d like it to be someone who I can respect for their abilities, their skills, their thoughts—someone like Lydia, but with more personality (not that I would ever voice that thought to Lydia).  I guess my ideal would look like Shadr, but have skills and personality like Sapphire.  Camilla just feels plain.  Plus, she’s an Imperial. I guess that sounds horrible of me, but really, how could I ever relate to her when I’ve spent my life thinking of Imperials as the oppressors?

  So now what do I do?  How do I tell her it’s off?  I don’t want to hurt her, and she’s so excited.  The mere thought of returning to Riverwood fills me with terror.  I’m an idiot!