Caylin's Monsters - Ch. 24: Leaving Home

  • Caylin's Monsters

     

     

    Chapter 24: Leaving Home

     

     

    ScreenShot24-1

    “Dear Farkas, by the time you read this note, I’ll be gone.  I’m so sorry I didn’t say goodbye in person, but I was afraid if I saw you again, I wouldn’t be able to leave.”

     

    ScreenShot24-2

    “It’s been five days since Aela brought me back from Gallows Rock, and I still haven’t fully recovered.  Transforming twice in such a short amount of time seems to have taken a heavy toll on my body. I’ve barely been awake for more than a few minutes at a time these past several days, but I guess you knew that.  Aela said you’ve been by my side whenever you’re not on an assignment. Thank you.”

     

    ScreenShot24-3

    “But now that I’m finally awake, I’m afraid to sleep again.  Whenever I close my eyes, I’m plagued by images of my attack on the Silver Hand that night.”

     

    ScreenShot24-4

    “It was horrible and gruesome.  At the time, everything happened so fast, but my memories are in slow motion.  I can see their faces… covered in blood… screaming in pain… screaming in fear… Those faces will haunt me for the rest of my life, I think.”

     

    ScreenShot24-5

    “On the one hand, I know that they were evil, and I don’t regret their deaths.  On the other hand…”

     

    ScreenShot24-6

    “…they were human beings, and I ripped them apart mercilessly.”

     

    ScreenShot24-7

    “I just never imagined I could be capable of such brutality.  I think that’s what scares me the most.”

     

    ScreenShot24-8

    “That’s partly why I have to go.  The thought of going into more battles and repeating that kind of massacre…”

     

    ScreenShot24-9

    “…Well, I don’t think my heart could take it.  Aela wanted me to go after the rest of the Silver Hand with her, but if I do, I think I might lose whatever’s left of my humanity.”

     

    ScreenShot24-10

    “Tell her I’m sorry I can’t go with her, and thank her for me, as well.  You all have done so much for me these past several weeks.  I don’t think I can adequately express my gratitude for everything.  I’ve learned many things about myself, but what I will cherish the most… is that you gave me a family again. It’s been so long since I’ve felt that.  I only wish my memories of this time wouldn’t have been tainted by all the other terrible things that happened.”

     

    ScreenShot24-11

    “Now I carry a permanent reminder of one of those incidents.  I had hoped the scar would become less noticeable, but The Skinner hit me with a silver weapon, so I think I’m stuck with this mark.  Maybe it’s good, though.  It will remind me of the dangers of being overconfident.”

     

    ScreenShot24-12

    “Another reason I can’t stay is Mikael.  Regardless of whether or not I knew what I was doing at the time, I murdered him.  I have to try to find his family.  They deserve to know what happened to him… they deserve to decide my fate.”

     

    ScreenShot24-13

    “I’m not sure where to start looking, so I figure I’ll ask around the city to see if Mikael told anyone about his past.  I’m dreading when I have to ask Hulda about him, though.  She was his friend… maybe one of the few close friends he had in Whiterun.  How can I look her in the eye without being utterly crushed by guilt?”

     

    ScreenShot24-14

    “Before I leave I’ll also need to buy some clothes and supplies.  I ruined my Wolf armor when I changed, and I don’t want to risk my steel armor until I’m confident I can control the beast.  I still have my dress, though, but hopefully I can find something more practical and functional than that. The only thing I can never replace are the earrings Nilindil made for me.  They fell off when I turned in Gallows Rock, and I suppose they’re lost forever now.”

     

    ScreenShot24-15

    “I really want to leave you something to remember me by, but I have so few possessions.  The only thing of value to me that I can give you is my sword.  I’ll set it next to this note, and I hope it will remind you of me whenever you see it.  It’s a Companion’s sword, and it should stay with the Companions.”

     

    ScreenShot24-16

    “I’m sorry for rambling so much.  It’s just that… I’m afraid to stop writing.  Once I stop, I know that’s it, and I may never get to speak with you again.  It breaks my heart to think I won’t be able to see you again or talk to you again.  You have no idea how much you mean to me, Farkas. You’re the reason I’m even alive.  I was ready to die to get rid of my vampirism, but you wouldn’t give up on me.  You taught me to keep fighting for what I believe in.  You taught me who I want to be.”

     

    ScreenShot24-17

    “You are my brother, my friend, and my companion.  You are the dearest man I have ever known, Farkas, and I will hold you in my heart until the day it stops beating.  I sincerely hope I’m able to see your face again and hear your voice again before the end of my life’s journey.  But until then, I will miss you.  Goodbye, Farkas.

                         With all the love in my heart,

                                                                     Caylin”

     

    ScreenShot24-18

    When I stepped outside Jorrvaskr, there was a sense of finality to it.  This was real… I was leaving.

     

    ScreenShot24-19

    I looked back at the place that had become my refuge these past several weeks, and the thought of leaving made my heart ache.  After so many years of being trapped in that orphanage, I had a real home again… even a family.  And now I had the terrible feeling that I would never see it again.

     

    ScreenShot24-20

    My thoughts went to Farkas.  I could feel the lump in my throat and the tears beginning to well up.  I quickly shook my head and swallowed it down, though.  There’s no reason to get emotional right now, I thought.  I still had things to do before leaving the city.

     

    ScreenShot24-21

    I stopped by Belethor’s General Goods to pick up supplies and look for some new clothes.

     

    ScreenShot24-22

    The selection was pretty limited, but I managed to find something that wasn’t too bulky.  I wasn’t sure how I felt about the style, but it would work.  I even found a decent blade to replace the one Eorlund made for me.

     

    ScreenShot24-23

    After Belethor’s, I asked around the marketplace about Mikael, but nobody seemed to know him that well.  So I had to do what I had been dreading the most… I had to ask Hulda.

     

    ScreenShot24-24

    The look of pain in her eyes when I asked her about him, that terrible mix of sorrow and anger, was a dagger to my heart.  As she shared her memories of Mikael with me, I began to see there was so much more to him than I thought.  He wasn’t just a creep or a ladies man.  He was a regular person with hopes and dreams, and he was a good friend.  He had proved himself to Hulda on more than one occasion, helping her through some dark times in her life.  She knew the real Mikael, the man that no one else could see.  And now, through her words, so did I.

     

    ScreenShot24-25

    My eyes were watering as she spoke, and I felt like garbage.  The worst part, though, was that she thought these tears were out of empathy.  In reality, the unimaginable weight of guilt was bearing down on me.  It was all I could do to keep from blurting out that I was responsible… that I was the monster who had taken her friend away from her.

     

    ScreenShot24-26

    But I didn’t.  I just sat and listened.  I still believed Mikael’s family should be the ones to judge me.  So until I found them, I would stay quiet about my involvement.

     

    ScreenShot24-27

    After I learned what I could from Hulda, I asked if I could borrow a room to change clothes.

     

    ScreenShot24-28

    The new clothes seemed to fit alright, but they were a lot less modest than I was used to.  Although, over the past week or so, my modesty had pretty much gone out the window.  So I guess it didn’t really matter.

     

    ScreenShot24-29

    Whiterun was mostly empty as I looked down the main road, but it was pretty early yet.  The marketplace would fill up in the next couple of hours.  It was probably better like this anyway.  Fewer people meant fewer distractions… and fewer chances for me to change my mind.

     

    ScreenShot24-30

    Looking around the city brought me back to a happier time, before the orphanage, before my family was…  Well, it didn’t matter.  I had those memories regardless if I could see these streets and these buildings.  I was leaving this place, but my memories were coming with me.  Hopefully that would be enough.

     

    ScreenShot24-31

    I had what I needed, and I knew where I was headed, but as I looked out over Whiterun one last time, I was suddenly afraid.

     

    ScreenShot24-32

    When I left Riften, this was the only other place I knew.  My family may have lived outside the city walls, but for us, this was our home, our community.  But now, for the first time, I was leaving the comfort of the familiar.  I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and took my first steps into the unknown.

     

    ScreenShot24-33

    I exited the gates and left the city behind.  All that was left was to get Eldi ready to ride.

     

    ScreenShot24-34

    As I approached the stables, something was odd.  I could see Eldi, and she was already saddled-up.

     

    ScreenShot24-35

    I stopped to get a closer look, and my heart skipped a beat.

     

    ScreenShot24-36

    Standing next to Eldi… was that… Farkas?

     

    ScreenShot24-37

    He was just leaning against the stable door, looking as confident as ever, waiting for me.  Somehow I wasn’t surprised.

     

    ScreenShot24-38

    I had thought it would be better if I didn’t see him before leaving, but I was so happy he found me.  I couldn’t have hidden my joy if I wanted to.  The smile that broke across my face when I saw him was involuntary.

     

    ScreenShot24-39

    And even from where I was standing, I could see his own lips curve upward into that beautiful, tiny grin I had come to love.

     

     

    Previous Chapter/Next Chapter

     

     

    Table of Contents