Caylin's Monsters - Ch. 17: An Alternative

  • Caylin's Monsters

     

     

    Chapter 17: An Alternative

     

     

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    Farkas couldn’t hide his reaction this time.  The shock and fear on his face was like a dagger in my heart.

     

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    “Do you see now?  I’m a monster,” I said.

     

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    Farkas quickly regained his composure, but he remained silent.

     

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    “Farkas…” I sighed.  “This is why I need you to kill me… I’m too dangerous to live.”

     

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    There was a long silence between us.  I don’t think Farkas knew what to do anymore than I did.

     

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    Finally, when the silence had grown too uncomfortable, I looked up at him and spoke, “Farkas… please say something.”

     

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    “Caylin, maybe… maybe you should sit down and explain exactly what happened,” he replied.

     

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    So I did.  I started back at the vampires’ lair where I was bitten.

     

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    I told him about my symptoms over the past few days that I didn’t even realize were warning signs.

     

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    Finally, I told him how I had seduced Mikael into following me upstairs at The Bannered Mare.  I left out some of the more… intimate details, but I told him everything else about feeling sick, having a burning desire that I couldn’t control, and about taking Mikael to the Hall of the Dead after it was over.

     

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    “Now you know why I have to die,” I concluded.  “I’m just a murderous, blood-sucking creature of darkness now.  There’s hardly anything human left in me.”

     

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    “Yeah, I understand what you are now,” Farkas said.  “But I don’t understand why you think the best solution is to die.”

     

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    I was taken aback at his response.  Surely he realized how dangerous I was to the people of Skyrim.  “But… I’m a danger to everyone around me.  Even just now, when I came in here to see you, I had to fight so hard just to resist attacking you.”

     

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    “But that’s exactly the point, Caylin.  You fought it.  You didn’t give in.  That proves you haven’t lost your humanity yet.  A terrible thing may have happened to you, but it wasn’t your fault.  And I know you made a mistake with Mikael, but…”

     

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    “A mistake?” I interrupted, bewildered.  “I murdered a man… and you call that a mistake?  Please, Farkas.  I don’t want to be a monster.  I don’t want to hurt anyone else.”

     

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    Farkas looked away and said nothing for a moment.  Then, with increased resolve, he looked back at me and said, “No.  I’m not going to take your life, Caylin.”

     

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    I was seized by a rage I had never known before, and I leapt out of the chair, furious at his refusal to face the facts.

     

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    “Are you or are you not a Companion sworn to protect Skyrim?” I demanded.

     

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    “How can you stand there, acting like my life is any more important than Mikael’s or the countless others I’ll probably kill in the name of my newfound blood-lust?”

     

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    “You have a duty to Skyrim and her people.  You have a duty to…”

     

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    “I’ve been a Companion a lot longer than you, whelp, and I know what my duty is,” Farkas said angrily.  “My duty is firstly to my family, my shield-brothers and shield-sisters.”

     

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    “That includes you, Caylin.”  I was caught off guard.  I didn’t know how to respond, but Farkas continued before I could, “Mikael is gone, and your death won’t bring him back.  It was a tragedy, but you didn’t go looking to become a vampire, and you didn’t even realize what you were doing when you attacked him.  Once you did know what was happening, you resisted.  That says something, Caylin.”

     

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    Farkas’ face softened a bit, and his voice grew calm as he continued, “Listen… I’ve been around for a while, and I’ve never met someone like you.  You genuinely care about people.  Even now, with your desire to die… I don’t think it’s because you feel sorry for yourself.  I think you’re sincerely concerned for the safety of those around you.”

     

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    All the fight had drained out of me.  “Caylin,” Farkas continued, “you’re probably the best person I’ve ever known.  Do you really think Skyrim would be a better place without you in it?”

     

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    Farkas’ words were so sincere… and so kind.  Under different circumstances, I would have been flattered or embarrassed, but at that moment, all I felt was despair.

     

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    My legs gave out under me, and I crumpled to the floor.  What could I do?  Was I doomed to walk Tamriel as a creature of the night?  I didn’t think I had the strength to keep fighting this blood-lust.  It would win in the end, I was sure of it.

     

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    But more important than my own worries, what about Mikael?  What about his family?

     

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    “Farkas…” my voice came out as a timid whisper.

     

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    “What about Mikael?  Doesn’t he deserve justice?  And what about his family?  Surely he has parents or siblings out there,” I swallowed hard against the lump in my throat.  “They’ll never see him again.”

     

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    “It’s my fault, Farkas.  His parents will never see him again because of me.  They may never even find out what happened to him.  Doesn’t Mikael deserve to be avenged?  Don’t his parents deserve justice for their son?”

     

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    “Perhaps they do,” Farkas conceded, “but not by my hand and not tonight.  If I were to take your life right now, his parents still wouldn’t know what happened to their son or his killer, and your death would be meaningless.”

     

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    Farkas took a step forward and knelt down on one knee in front of me.  “If you wish to honor Mikael, then I suggest you find his parents yourself and tell them what happened to their son.  Then let them decide how Mikael should be avenged.”

     

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    “Until that happens, however, why not stay true to yourself and keep fighting for Skyrim?  Keep fighting for what you believe in?”

     

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    His words rang true to me.  Mikael’s parents deserved to decide my fate, but how would I find them?  And fighting for Skyrim?  I didn’t see how that was possible.  “But Farkas… how can I fight for Skyrim like this?  I’m a thing; A terror in the night.  I’m not a hero… I’m a villain.”

     

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    “Then let’s stop trying to find a way for you to die and start trying to find a way to cure you.”

     

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    I was stunned.  I never even considered that.  “There’s a cure?”

     

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    “I don’t know anything for sure,” Farkas explained, “but there could be a cure.  At least… I have a theory.”

     

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    A sliver of hope had returned, and I desperately clung to it.  “Tell me.  What is it?”

     

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    “You might not like it.”  Farkas hesitated for a moment, and I started to get nervous, “It’s like this, werewolves are immune to the infection that causes vampirism.  So my theory is that if you take the beast blood, I think it may cure you.”

     

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    My heart sank.  That was the furthest thing from what I had been hoping for.  Was there no end to the misery of this night?  The small hope that had awakened in me vanished as quickly as it had appeared.

     

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    My head bowed forward.  I felt defeated.  “Is there no other way?  Is my only option to trade being one monster for being another monster?”  As soon as I said this, I realized how callous I had been.

     

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    I looked up at Farkas.  His eyes were turned away from me, and I saw the pain my remarks had caused him.  I immediately regretted grouping him and the other Companions with the likes of vampires.

     

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    It wasn’t fair to him.  He had been so kind and understanding about my situation, but here I was insulting that kindness by telling him he was no better than a vampire; that he was just another monster.  Shouldn’t I have understood better than ever what he and the others must have been dealing with?  “Farkas, I…”

     

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    “Maybe you’re right, Caylin,” he interrupted in little more than a whisper.  “Maybe we are just monsters…”  He paused a moment and continued, “but isn’t it better to be a monster that can survive without killing innocent people than to be one that murders night after night just to live?”  He took a deep breath and added, “Isn’t it better to have a curse that can be used to protect Skyrim than to have one that will destroy it?”

     

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    I was so ashamed.  He was right.  Regardless of what I thought about becoming a werewolf, they weren’t anything like vampires.  There weren’t clans of werewolves coming out at night to hunt the local citizens.

     

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    In fact, this amazing group of people who took me in, had freely accepted this condition with all its consequences just for the benefits of being stronger for the sake of Skyrim.

     

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    “Farkas… I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean…” I felt so foolish.  “You’re not a monster, Farkas, and you’re right.  Anything would be better than what I am now.  I’m…” I breathed out a deep sigh as I accepted what seemed to be my only option.  “I’m willing.  I’m willing to try.”

     

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    Fakas looked up, and his eyes reconnected with mine.  “Whether it works or not, Caylin… I’ll be right here at your side until we find a way to make you better.  I’ll see this through to the end.  You have my word.”

     

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    I couldn’t understand why Farkas was being so good to me, but I was grateful.  I didn’t deserve someone like him.  Anyone else would probably have abandoned me or killed me outright, but Farkas… he was different.

     

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    “Here,” Farkas said as he stood up and stretched out his hand to me.  “It has to be nearly dawn.  You must be tired.  You can sleep here today.  I’ll watch over you until we can get this all sorted out.”

     

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    For a moment, all I could do was stare up at him.  Other than Nilindil, I had never had anyone else I could lean on for support.  It felt really good to have a friend… especially now.

     

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    I took Fakas’ hand, and he helped me to the bed.  “I need to go talk to Skjor about your situation,” he said, “but I’ll be right back.  Try to get some rest.”

     

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    A fear rose up in me at the thought of Farkas leaving.  I was so scared to be alone right then; so scared of what might happen if the craving came back… so scared of what I might do.

     

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    Farkas could read the fear in my eyes.  He was much more perceptive than he led on.  His expression grew softer than I had ever seen before.  The rough warrior exterior faded away to reveal the strong but gentle man inside.  “I won’t let you do something you’ll regret, Caylin.”

     

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    His eyes were piercing as he spoke, “I’ll be right here… watching over you.  We’ll get you through this.  Trust me.”

     

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    I did trust him.  I just didn’t trust myself, and I was still so afraid.

     

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    “I’ll be back in a few minutes,” he said as he turned to the door.  “Try to get some sleep.  Hopefully everything will be better tonight.”

     

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    After Farkas left, I was lost in thought for some time.  Even if becoming a werewolf did cure me, would it really be that much better?

     

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    I was still so conflicted and frustrated.  How could my life have taken such a sharp turn in just one night?

     

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    In the end, I suppose Farkas was right and being a werewolf was better than being a vampire, but I just wished there was another way.

     

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    I laid down, but even though I was exhausted, I was afraid to go to sleep; afraid to lower my guard.  Not to mention my mind was still racing.

     

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    My thoughts kept going back to Mikael and the terrible pleasure I felt when I bit into his neck.  If I were to find his parents, what would I say?  How could I tell them that their son died for nothing; that he died to satisfy my blood-lust?

     

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    Slowly, though, my thoughts became more scattered and obscure, and my eyelids grew heavier and heavier.

     

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    Finally, when I could resist it no longer, my eyes closed, and I drifted off to sleep…

     

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    …But my sleep was interrupted when I heard a voice, “It’s time to get up, Love.”  It wasn’t Farkas, but it was a familiar voice; a woman’s voice.  “It’s time for breakfast…”

     

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    “…and we’re very hungry.”

     

     

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Comments

1 Comment   |   ilanisilver and 1 other like this.
  • Karver the Lorc
    Karver the Lorc   ·  October 29, 2018
    Yeah, it´s probably better to be a monster and try to do something about it than fall victim to the monster inside of you, because everyone has that kind of monster in them. And Farkas once again shows he has much bigger heart than most of Skyrim deserves...  more